Pellucid - Writers Forum

ms. vodka · 11-05-2007, 04:21 PM

Peaking out on LSD,
the faces looked like pixels
sliding into pixels over
enlarged. I wasn’t
aware of pixels
at the time.

Besides, nothing
was as important
as gathering logic
into piles in a circle
around myself
over
and over.
Like making sand castles
with dry sand,
it just kept
not taking shape.

Now my brain
keeps spitting words
as spent
bullet shells.
I am powerless
to fill them
with what I intended
to say.

huni · 11-05-2007, 04:45 PM

Hi ms v, particularly liked the last stanza in this poem. And the dry sand made me smile - like gets like that sometimes. I've never experienced this yet I've seen that focus on something in the inner world that the rest of us can't see. This one felt a little ordinary to me at first, then after sitting awhile with it. (A bit like my work

I started to see it come together. nicely done - huni

Ilasir Maroa · 11-05-2007, 05:34 PM

I guess the first stanza works well as set-up, though I don't see it as a very strong set of lines.

The last two verses were a great use of concrete imagery to evoke feelings and describe someting a little abstract. Nice work here.

Olly Buckle · 11-05-2007, 05:40 PM

Flashback forty years, I started pixelating and then the pixels started drifting apart. It took a considerable effort of will to pull myself together.
I would leave out the second two words of the first line, they seem superfluous and sound pretentious (Look at me, I take acid) which I am pretty damn sure is not your intention. Second verse first part gets the feeling exactly but again the second part is too long winded for me.Try
Castles with dry sand
Not taking shape
See where I am coming from?
As spent bullet shells doesn't quite do it for me, though the image is good,
As flying cartridge shells
Gets the image of them flying from the gun, spent has them lying on the floor.
But very nice work, you make me think, it must be twenty years since the last one, it would at least work properly after all this time, none of that "I had five last night, do you think fifteen would work?" On the other hand I have a chronic illness, took one once when I had syph and had been to the clinic but was told to come back Monday when the consultant was there and sent away without treatment. A very uncomfortable Saturday night, looked in the mirror and saw myself dead.

cinder and smoke · 11-05-2007, 06:09 PM

I like this vodka. My only issue is the line breaks--I falter over them and it doesn't help the overall feel of the poem. I think if you change it up and not have such harsh breaks, it would work a lot better. But yes, overall I liked this. I also agree with Olly's suggestions.

Amara-J · 11-06-2007, 03:47 AM

Like this stuff, particularly because it reminds me of my writing style. But I think cinder and smoke has a point. Writing like this, in my experience, is especially trippy when it comes to line breaks.

Peaking out on LSD
the faces looked like pixels
sliding into pixels over
enlarged. I wasn’t
aware of pixels
at the time.

For me, "over -- enlarged" jarred the rhythm. I read 'sliding into pixels over', paused, went on to 'enlarged', and thought instantly "Enlarged what? Enlarged... shouldn't there be a word here? Oh. It's enlarged pixels." Just an example.

Second stanza - at first I couldn't quite see the point behind the first sentence. But when I laid it against the second sentence (castles and dry sand), I had the mental image of someone sitting on the floor, legs splayed out, aimlessly scooping up sand and making little mounds that kept scattering... unable to organize one's thoughts. Meaningless actions. Like Sisyphus and his stone.

Thank you for the read. It took a while to sink in, but I like it.

Olly Buckle · 11-06-2007, 01:37 PM

I don't think it is meant to be smooth, lsd fractures reality at that peak point. It doesn't matter that you have to re-read, it's a poem not a song, you know what's happening when you hit the full stop, no more words in that sentence.
I think you missed the point about the second stanza as well. The point is the first sentence, there is a good clue, "nothing was as important", the second sentence is "only" an analogy, it starts with like. The point is not the meaninglessness but the meaning and the futile effort to achieve it.
But maybe Ms. V will come back and settle this by telling me I am wrong.

Baron · 11-06-2007, 02:52 PM

This trip is too smooth. More like mescalin than acid.

Voodoo · 11-06-2007, 03:01 PM

You insist on this ignorant method of line breaks.

Why?

AHardRain · 11-06-2007, 05:52 PM

because she knows
nothing

Voodoo · 11-06-2007, 05:55 PM

That's a nice break.

Adds a texture.

Need it be said, though?

Hmm.

Madame Liquor.

I would like to know how anything that resembles Bika's work is any better than something that doesn't. But, I'll ask you enlighten before I expand.

Eiji Tunsinagi · 11-06-2007, 06:01 PM

A have to agree with the breaks on this one. I just plain couldn't see why they were there, and that really got to me.

AHardRain · 11-06-2007, 06:16 PM

i think whoever wrote this poem knows a thing or two.

are you still confused?

Eiji Tunsinagi · 11-06-2007, 06:22 PM

True, but sometimes people screw up with their line breaks. Like here. It's not that they're wrong but they could be better.

Voodoo · 11-06-2007, 06:26 PM

Peaking out on LSD (punctuate)
the faces looked like pixels
sliding into pixels over
enlarged. I wasn’t
aware of pixels
at the time.

Besides, nothing
was as important
as gathering logic
into piles in a circle
around myself
over
and over.
Like making sand castles
with dry sand, (punctuate)
it just kept
not taking shape.

Now my brain
keeps spitting words
as spent
bullet shells.
I am powerless
to fill them
with what I intended
to say.

Boldened places. Where I feel the cadence is negated for the texture.