ms. vodka

huni: thank you, love.

ilasir: always a pleasure.

olly: thanks for the critique have to leave the last two words of the first line because otherwise people might not know what i'm talking about. you can peak out on more drug than just one.

regarding the breaks and cadence of this poem.... they reflect the subject matter. the use of language reflects not only the subject matter but also my state of mind when i wrote it. the poem expresses the frustration in trying to make something take shape of my thoughts when i cannot shape them. the last stanza reflects speaking and speaking and saying things that when i reflect on them mean nothing, they're empty representations of what i mean to say but cannot seem to ever get right. it's a poem of enormous frustration and regret. the only thing i could think of to represent my lack of ability in forming any sensible thoughts was to compare it to when i was a kid, peaking out on acid and trying so hard to organize and catalog my thoughts, but always having them slip away before i could even fully figure out what they were.

except that piece of punctuation, in the first line voodoo. good catch.

what can i say, i'll come back to this in a month and maybe think what the fuck was i thinking or maybe i'll thing omg i'm fucking brilliant.

it's a fucking coin toss these days.

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my finger's on the trigger and my eyes are on the prize

Voodoo

get these fucking voices out of my head

NealCassady

I agree with the line breaks comment -
lines and their breaks are suppose to have a rise and fall
and an occasional pause for dramatic effect.
Sure, you can say that it was the "state of mind" that allows for the disjointedness, and it's ok to write it down like that - hell I do that when I'm in an altered state, but when you go back there's still the push and pull to make the reader want to read the next line.
This piece doesn't have enough rise and fall within lines
to merit short line breaks. Cool concept though, a bit trite with the language -
a bit concrete too, at least for a trip, eh?

C_K

Like making sand castles
with dry sand,
it just kept
not taking shape.

^ This was so much better than the rest of the piece that I almost wonder if you stole it from somewhere.

Anyway, I don't like the line breaks.

I hate to use the word mediocre, but I guess we all are in a way.

PS: Never explain why you did something in writing. It's like trying to explain a joke after no one laughs.

-CK

Emerson Darkness

Hi, ms. Vodka

I enjoyed the piece. Artfully done.

Sometimes. In this case it wasn't like that for every reader. Inquiring minds wanted to know. She answered them.

ms. vodka

well breaks can always be re written when it's edit time, so thanks everyone for their feedback in that regard.

CK your insultingly condescending tone and backhanded compliment make me chuckle. also, sometimes i explain things because it's a good way to teach people things. poetry is not an equation. a snarky attitude doesn't equate knowledge.

and emerson, thank you.

kisses all,
jen

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my finger's on the trigger and my eyes are on the prize

vangoghsear

Love the sand image. Screw proper line breaks, use whatever works, as you did.

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If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.