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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
10-30-2007, 08:54 PM
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#1
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Scribe
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Washington DC area
Gender: Male
Posts: 65
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Beyond
I've been trying to craft something short yet motivational. Let me know your thoughts. I can't decide if I like it or not.
Beyond
Beyond happiness and joy,
Beyond sadness and sorrow,
Beyond camaraderie and loneliness,
There is an eternal need to move on, go forth, explore and travel.
Stagnation is not of the Lord,
And it hardly becomes an intuitive mind.
Search for the answers within and abroad.
Unleash the shackles of routine,
Dislodge the anchor of tradition,
Be bold at heart and follow the path of your destiny!
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10-30-2007, 08:58 PM
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#2
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Aug 2005
Gender: Private
Posts: 398
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Not bad. I find it's a bit, shall I say, cliche, no, but praiseful type poem. Hmmm I'm not really sure, but it's got promise. I think that long line in stanza one should be made in a couple or three or summed up though.
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10-30-2007, 09:06 PM
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#3
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,994
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I felt this was a wee bit too cliche. To be inspirational, try less ideas and more images/scenarios. Lay some cement. 
__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."
"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"
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10-30-2007, 09:11 PM
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#4
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Aug 2005
Gender: Private
Posts: 398
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I agree with Eiji. I know this is supposed to be a motivational poem, but I think you can portray it different and better than you have now. Do you know what I mean by the cliche?
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10-30-2007, 11:12 PM
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#5
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: australia
Posts: 4,493
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its crap as a poem.
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10-30-2007, 11:45 PM
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#6
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Addict
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Canada
Gender: Female
Posts: 188
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thanks I agree with dannyboy
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10-31-2007, 12:14 AM
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#7
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Addict
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Western Australia
Gender: Female
Posts: 157
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mmm... it needs a lot of work. but... it has got some promise. i like the nice vocab.
__________________
-No Turning Back...
"The best way to be successful is to follow the advice you give others." - Anonymous
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