Voodoo

This isn't poetry then. No images. No sonics.

it's my heart and what I want.

It's teenage trash if you call it so.

Go ahead. I've a crystal and you don't.







I'm in the streets for you
working;
I'm in the dirtiest allies,
and the gauze is so youthful,
dry, but when I'd cry into your mouth,
try to form,
just you, and willing.

Such tenderness,
but you've forsaken me.
My work, forsaken.
I haven't found you yet,
but I know your name.
It's Danny or Ian.

And both are such misery to me.
I medicate sometimes.
Dropping little rocks onto my heart,
but your hands stop on my chest
nothing,

or I cut ribbons
hang them to dry on tissue
cry my throaty tears
stranger, I miss you still.
Stranger to me, drying away

fearful I won't confess.
Still a strange land,
this passionate genius still a stranger

Baron

This is the best and clearest work I've seen from you recently. I know you; I hope that it is able to impart what I can see to those who don't.

__________________

dannyboy

this is excellent and no sonics my arse! I like that last stanza.

Eiji Tunsinagi

I know we probably sound like sons of bitches saying this, but I agree with Baron. This wasn't emo or teen cliche or anything. It was actually quite good. Sometimes doing the opposite of what you want garners good.

__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."

"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"

Jaguar

Yeah, this is pretty good. Like Baron, I think this is one of your better pieces I have read on here. Thumbs up.

Jag

Nillani

i like the title. it goes perfectly with the poem - and to me a title is one of the most important parts of a poem. very good.

__________________

-No Turning Back...

Ilasir Maroa

The repetition of "strange..." annoyed me.

__________________
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Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!
"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."

www.theoddvillepress.com

surfacetoday

bar ilasir, let the lapdogs flock.

GV, I think understand what you were getting at, but I don't really like this.

It twirls and scuttles its messy frame round and around and hardly goes anywhere. The breaks were too abrupt, verging on insincere, as with the repetition.

Like I said, I think I understood what you were talking about, but I don't believe this is it. You seemed to want more communicative, and truthful -- and while the latter is apparent in this, the former is left too far on the way-side.

My advice (though I feel it might just be idiotic to give at this point) is to write something with the more direct, biting ring found in your short prose response-posts. They may seem tossed off and shallow to you -- but through them is communicated a very specific character, without all the flouncy excess description.

__________________
Eat shit and poop it out, then repeat ten million times til you become a saggy old basset hound.

www.myspace.com/jakeharms
for music, writing stuff

Voodoo

Surface,

Thank you. I'm not proud I made this.

Else,

pardon.

dannyboy

I keep coming back to this because of that comment by surface - lapdog is fairly insulting.

I still like this however.

Voodoo

I no longer wonder why I trust a certain friend of mine.

Anyone can make something "genuine."

Something nonpretentious.

For all that, I still stand by the fact you can't fuck poetry. It has a trap on its crotch, and unless you sweet talk it, it'll cut you off.

Emotion must be married with the utmost attention to craft. Otherwise, you've a lot of honesty that goes nowhere.

Pardon, folks.

And nillani, the title is the least important part of a poem. I usually make them tacky.

L00kbackinanger

I'd agree with dannyboy that surface is insulting. I also agree that this is a decnt poem, probably the best of yours I've read.

Notwithstanding surface's insult I agree with:

If you write your poetry with the same voice and aim for clarity in the imagery you would communicate more effectively.

I think the repetition of stranger would be more effective if you punctuated the penultimate stanza, or use italics or white space.

Try some prose poetry why dontcha?

The title of a poem is fundamental and ideally when read with the last line conveys a message or observation.

__________________

"Automagically the game restarted; by chance a leaf fell at our feet. Brittle and veined with shades of umber. Delicately it crunched, like a shuffled deck."
Jacob Stillmarner, The Melody Of The Lucky Not Good, 1944

dannyboy

this is a process

each poem a step

keep discounting the steps and you end up nowhere.

As for titles

they are part of the craft.

Severn

It doesn't strike me as teenage angst at all. Sheesh, I still have my teenage angst poems. Erm, and they won't be seeing the light of day here, that's for sure.

When I progressed to 'better' writing, I used tonnes of imagery - either the whole poem was an extended metaphor, or there were lots throughout. In short, it was image overkill.

Sometimes the most graceful writing can be dry, spare and almost image-less. This piece you've written has a shadow of that about it. It is a little messy, but it's honest. I can feel that from it. It's not purple, it's not whiny. It's good.

But if you're shifting from writing with a lot of imagery, to writing without so much, it can feel wierd and somehow unpoetic. It's not though. Just different. No apologies, from one who doesn't know you.