Amadeus

Lights go down,
on a tucked-up town.
Down the emptied streets,
the wind does blow.
He looks outside, says
"Quite a night",
she says,
"Dark like that,
No man should ever know."

He looks at her,
but she don't stir.
See her face as white as snow.
Ah, when you're gone, you'll say hello.

Hear the silence of two strangers,
they check the sky
they go below.

Because he's not and she's not,
and they're not,
what they've got
and taken
and thrown it all away.
In passion, in shadows,
And look where the wind blows.

But di me si tu sabes porque,
Se fue?

Baron

The first three stanzas, apart from a few inverted phrases, go well. I get lost in the last two, they lead me into dissipation rather than emptiness. I think that there is a lot of potential in this one but it needs a little more work.

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huni

I really like the first two lines. I wanted the rest to be of the same standard and rhythm. But no. I like where I think this is meant to go. It just didn't get there for me. I wish those first lines where mine huni

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each time we see the face ...it is our own ideas of him which we recognize. Proust

Amadeus

The translation is : but tell me if you know why it's gone.

huni

is it a war, or nuclear disaster, the wind you know?

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each time we see the face ...it is our own ideas of him which we recognize. Proust

Amadeus

Well, the bomb could just as easily be in your head. But a very perspicacious comment.

Eiji Tunsinagi

This read kind of like a lyric. But not those last 2 stanza. I don't know what those read like. Because I couldn't read them. I'd just work on those 2. This piece has potential (and is almost "there")

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"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."

"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"

vangoghsear

I like the contrasting phrases. Ups and downs, ins and outs, darks and whites, sky and below. You loose that at the end. I would have liked to see it continue all the way through.

Nice though, just needs a touch to make it really good.

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If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.

Amadeus

The end is odd, simple and that is deliberate as it reflects the story. And you're right, Eiji, it's a lyric. I don't differentiate, however, having spent many nights by the fire running such in my head, setting poems to music, taking the music from lyrics. You don't need tears to cry.