It's My Birthday Today - Writers Forum

Ilasir Maroa · 10-29-2007, 06:35 PM

It's My Birthday Today

I love guitars, like others
Love rap music and speed
I would like one

For my birthday,
Wrapped up in a big case
But I won't get one

It's my birthday today, and
I have to make my own presents:
a slightly tattered trash bag

could be one;
I stretch out my arm,
reach for it hopefully.

My new umbrella, with a stick
handle, to keep off
the frigid rain. O happy day!

If only I had a warm coat
to go with it; or a hat.
I will go searching

With my newfound momentum
I get up, slowly.
Is there a dumpster nearby?

Yes, I see one! Maybe
there's another gift waiting
under that inviting lid.

It's like a shopping spree
in a department store, or looking
under a Christmas tree.

But where will I be
tomorrow? Still alone,
on the crooked sidewalk?

In the concrete puddles,
still hearing dark growls
from my empty stomach?

Still waiting, searching...
Still alone...
a stray?

Baron · 10-29-2007, 07:18 PM

I think that you're right that this needs a little more done. I'm going to come back to it in the morning and see if I have any suggestions. I think it's promising.

huni · 10-29-2007, 07:35 PM

I really like the premise of this Ilasir, I have one in my notebook about a homeless woman I'm working on now. I wonder if this would sound better from a second person viewpoint. (I think that's right, 'her' instead of 'I') I would like to observe her along with the N - it feels a little pedestrian to me as it is. I will enjoy watching this one grow I think. huni

Nabahood23 · 10-29-2007, 09:25 PM

That is interesting. Since you are telling the story, please enlighten me on the premise of dividing the sentences like that. In some instance it added to the flow; in some it distracted from the melody. As mentioned before, that is interesting.

May God continue to shine down upon you with joy and prosperity. May the rugged roads of life come up from the supporting ground to meet your feet as you walk your poetic journey.

Pastor Reginald Levi Walker

Ilasir Maroa · 10-29-2007, 09:50 PM

NH- Personally, I am a Wiccan, but I do appreciate the sentiment, thank you.

As to your comment, I am currently experimenting with line breaks, and would appreciate your veiws on which breaks contribute to the flow of the poem.

Huni- I'm hesitant about switching this to a third person view ("her") because it would (IMO) require a great change in tense and in word-choice. I think the first-person point of view is more effective at conveying emotion, and perhaps the fact that I have not capitalized on that fact as much as I should have is what caused the "pedestrian" feel for you. What do you think?

Baron- I look forward to future comments.

Baron · 10-30-2007, 05:09 AM

There's a great idea here but I find the way that you've written it, particularly in the opening stanzas, a little too matter-of-fact. A device is needed at the very outset that will grab emotion and make the reader either sympathise or empathise.

huni · 10-30-2007, 06:48 AM

"Huni- I'm hesitant about switching this to a third person view ("her") because I think the first-person point of view is more effective at conveying emotion, and perhaps the fact that I have not capitalized on that fact as much as I should have is what caused the "pedestrian" feel for you. What do you think?"

"it would (IMO) require a great change in tense and in word-choice."

This is exactly why I think it could be a good exercise. Not necessarily on this thread but in your note book. It WILL make you look at and try different word choice, then which ever you choose, 1st or 2nd person, you might find something good, different or stronger than you have now. I often do it just for another way of looking at it (the poem or story) and sometimes I change it to 2nd person, sometimes I leave it. All I know is it helps. It's up to you of course - just you asked

.

I wonder if the 1st person does help convey emotion? Or is it the words we use and the images we make? Either way if we have the reader walk with us and see what we see and feel what we feel, whether we observe it or have the experience as the first person - we are doing it right (or at least an approximation of right lol )

As to 'pedestrian' I meant what Baron said. Matter of fact, ordinary. I may have used the word wrong. Trying to increase my vocab. Sometimes fall on my face.

h.

Ilasir Maroa · 10-30-2007, 02:41 PM

I think I see exactly what you and Baron mean now. I jumped right into the main point of the poem with no build-up whatsoever. I don't really have an opening to the piece. I'll get to work on that right away.

Ilasir Maroa · 10-30-2007, 10:27 PM

New beginning, but I think it might still be too shallow.

Baron · 10-31-2007, 06:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ilasir Maroa

New beginning, but I think it might still be too shallow.

It still doesn't get the emotion that you want for this.