SpitViper007

Alright First crack ever at Poetry...


"Poetry"

How do I convey what I want to say
How do I pull you down
Make you frown
Make you Cry
Make you wonder Why

How do I bring you up with the tide
Is it the waves of words, salted by order
Perhaps the rhyme
Or does it waste your time

How do I make you laugh while coated in tears,
Give you the hope that you found the meaning

Can I show you what can't be seen,
Make it crystal clear
Write a novel in a sentence
So never again will you cower in fear






If you enjoyed my poem at all please go to poetry.com and type in my name Austin Marsh and vote whatever you feel is appropriate.
I entered it into a contest for fun
I just wanted to take a chance I guess. Obviously constructive criticism will be appreciated, or just praise haha

huni

Please note:

Someone told me this just after I joined WF. I pass it on to you.

"Huni,

First and foremost. Stay away from poetry.com. They suck over there. Come home to us. We're kind and we love poets.

Now about your poem. Where do I begin?

I think .................................................. ....
...let's just hone your spelling skills. Remember, stay away from poetry.com!!!

and Faded. Post your poetry. I am waiting!

santiago"

Poetry.com is a scam in the worst way. You have an ego, we all do, and they shamelessly take advantage of it. As to your poem, it will get the critique you want and some good helpful advice. I suggest you don't feel to hurt but lap up the stuff you learn here and you will improve. welcome and warm regards - huni.

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each time we see the face ...it is our own ideas of him which we recognize. Proust

SpitViper007

Hi thanks for the tip! Obviously I could go on and on about how I wrote it in 10 min. or something, but it doesn't matter what matters is this is how it turned out and I want to improve it!

Baron

If you read the guidelines then you'll see that you are advised to leave commentss or reviews on other works if you wish to get critiques of your own.

I think that you have a good idea here and before saying anything further I'd like to know why you chose not to use any punctuation.

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SpitViper007

Hey I chose not to use punctuation because I felt I could give the reader my guideline, but leave him free to use the poem or express it how he/she chooses.

Just kidding haha

Ya its just a little draft thing I did that’s why. I understand what you mean about commenting others poetry, but I honestly don't think I am qualified to give anything of value except, maybe expressing that I enjoyed it or not.

Baron

If you do at least that it is more likely that you'll get more responses and some real critiques.

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huni

"I want to improve it!"

SpitV, thats the most important thing you have said. Baron is right, comment. If you do and you think about what do like and don't and work out why you do or don't like it, then you will start to understand what works and why in your own poems. The more you critique and read the crits on he forum, the better writer you will become. It's a good way to learn and almost the only way I have learned. all the best with it. We are all here to learn and to help each other. Just ask us.

__________________
each time we see the face ...it is our own ideas of him which we recognize. Proust

SpitViper007

Alright thanks I will look at some others peoples stuff, just out of
curiosity can you guys send me some links of some of your stuff?
I want to see what kind of style you Huni and Baron have.

And yes I agree with you guys the reason I posted it wasn't to blow anyone away with my skills in poetry or anything. I want to learn and improve I am glad you guys took the leap to help point me in the right direction.
Thanks

Cran

Easy as can be, SpitViper007 ... and welcome ...

all you have to do is:
click on the poster's name or avatar - in this case, Huni or Baron ...
on the page that comes up, scroll down until you find
"Find all threads started by (Huni / Baron)", and click on that ...

on the page that comes up, scroll down the list of titles
(it will also tell you which forum it's in ... so if you want poetry, etc ...),
and browse to your heart's content ...

as for the piece you posted:
try thinking less, and feeling more ...

when a poem simply asks a series of
(common to the point of cliched) questions,
the reader is left with only questions ...

like how the hell should I know?
or why did I bother?

you know how to string words together to make a picture -

waves of words, salted by order
laugh while coated in tears
Write a novel in a sentence - toss the rest ...

pick one question, get inside it, feel it, explore it ...
and write that ...
don't tell us, don't ask us, show us ...
show us that question ...
show us why that question is important ...
show us what it means to not know,
and what it might mean to find out ...
paint the emotion - shade the fears and highlight the hopes ...
splash the pain and brushstroke the healing ...
we want liquid on the paper -
ink yes, but also sweat, tears ... and that red stuff ...

of course, if you'd rather write something light or lively ...
then ... it's no different - feel it, write that.

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"I don't know ... I'm making it up as I go ..." - Dr I Jones

Nature abhors perfection - cats abhor a vacuum!

Baron

There are links to two poems in my signature.

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SpitViper007

Hey thanks guys, I will be checking out everyones Poems.
Cran that could have been the single most useful piece of work I
have ever read about Poetry. It could have been a poem in its own right.

I think really what I am trying to capture is different from what a lot of poems are trying to capture. I am trying to capture poetry itself, how it works in waves, much like say classical music. It brings you down, makes you sad, gives you a glimmer of hope that maybe you found the meaning, then depending on the poet rips you out of the dark and sends you into an "enlightened" state, or creates some unfulfillable longing.

Sorry that was kinda hard to explain and I know it sounds cliche, but I think you can understand what I am trying to explain here.

Also it seems like the difference between a great poet and a good poet is the great poet can put one thousand times the thought provoking message and emotion in five times less words. That probably comes with a mix of talent, practice, and a little luck?

Anyone just surfing through please feel free to add your thoughts!

jnbammer

"I think really what I am trying to capture is different from what a lot of poems are trying to capture."

Keep in mind - "There is nothing new under the sun." -Ecclesiastes

It's good to learn and do your best to create, but it's very hard to be truly original. In reading your poem, it doesn't strike me as original.

"Write a novel in a sentence" gives me hope that you will continue to work at it though, and you should!

__________________
Jnbammer
Thoughts On Quotes - Creative thoughts on famous quotes
Artistic Pursuit - Discover new artistic talent

SpitViper007

ya haha sorry that might has come off as slightly arrogant which I try to stay away from. On another note thanks for the encouragement!