Uluru (2nd edit) - Writers Forum

huni · 10-28-2007, 07:19 PM

Grand - in it’s large
way of sitting in
the middle of my country
Opal streaked sky,
and the horizon
engulfing everything

Sinking down under
the monolithic weight of
it's presence, I see it -
one pebble in a pool
of ochre dust, and there
- in the small things,
I find a way to know it.

That tiny pebble scattered
by the tail of a monitor as he flees
the shadow of a silver kite. High up -
as if guarding the sacred places
she floats on hot air - casting
a speck on Uluru’s orange walls.

Sergeant striped monitors
spying out the land, then
in a flashy blink
disappearing out of focus.

Growing deep in shadow
blue flannel flowers
busy with native bees.
Tiny iridescent wings
luring the skink that
eats and runs.
Fast food of the bush.

Here a little sand drawing made by
goanna going home.
Unfinished spear head
left, as if yesterday near the edge of
a pool. A ghost gum whispering
echoes of words said a thousand
years ago. Woman's stories of
where wallabies go and come.

I breathe again,
and like the pebble and the spear stone
I carry with me all the other things.
More than my backpack can hold.
__________________
With thanks to every one for such good help. Not there yet, but on it's way I think. huni

original here: http://www.writingforums.com/poetry/87672-uluru.html

Jaguar · 10-28-2007, 07:25 PM

I don't understand what it's about, but it sure did suck me into the writing. Nice huni.

huni · 10-28-2007, 07:29 PM

lol, jaguar, thanks, sucking in is good. I added the original that might explain more. huni

PS. your poem about the moon has me wanting to write one based on yours - is that okay? h

Jaguar · 10-28-2007, 07:32 PM

Haha, I'll give it another read then.

Sure thing, go right ahead. I'll be looking forward to read it when it's done

.

Which poem is it? Ripples?

huni · 10-28-2007, 07:45 PM

Yes, 'Ripples' - and I wrote something while I waited to hear if I could, lol. Posting it now. h

Jaguar · 10-28-2007, 07:49 PM

Hurray! Hurry

.

Ilasir Maroa · 10-28-2007, 09:06 PM

Ooohhh... A very nice edit here huni, lots of strong images and well-used vocabulary.

Severn · 10-28-2007, 09:18 PM

The first one I've read from you and I really like it! Read the first version as well, and yes, this is a good edit.

I love the sense of space - I think you've captured the essense of such a huge (grand) feature of the land, pitted against the vast space around it.

My major thought to offer concerns this stanza:

'Sergeant striped monitors
spying out the land, then
in a flashy blink
disappearing out of focus.'

In the stanza before you have such a lovely snap-shot image of a monitor fleeing the kite. It's such a sharp image, that I feel like the lengthier verse about monitors spoils it somehow, drags it out - overburdens it, if that makes sense.

The last stanza I think needs a bit of tightening. You seem, in this poem at least (and I'll have to read more to see if it's part of your style or not), to waver between crisp, concise imagery and more drawn out images. But, sometimes they can get muddled.

'Here a little sand drawing made by
goanna going home.
Unfinished spear head
left, as if yesterday near the edge of
a pool. A ghost gum whispering
echoes of words said a thousand
years ago. Woman's stories of
where wallabies go and come.'

The ghost gum line seems a little out of place, over long. It's bordering on sentimental, which doesn't suit the tone of the rest of the piece. The first part of that verse, though, I just love. 'Goanna going home.' Shivers - good ones.

Cran · 10-28-2007, 09:26 PM

Still not keen on the opening line
(Grand... large - there's nothing to measure them by -
a house can be grand; a dog can be large ...),
huni, but the rest is very good ...

And some things are missing ...
one pointed out by Jaguar -
not everyone will know what Uluru is, or means ...
either to the tourists, or to the Indigenous custodians ...

I also thought you'd want to impress the ancient air of the place;
the weathered red heart that glowed in sunsets long before
there were human eyes to gaze and wonder ...

Ilasir Maroa · 10-28-2007, 09:42 PM

I had no idea what Uluru was... until I looked it up. Still, rading the poem before that, I still though, gosh, this sounds like Ayers Rock.

Voodoo · 10-28-2007, 09:58 PM

Well, fuck it.

"Grand - in it’s large
way of sitting in
the middle of my country
Opal streaked sky,
and the horizon
engulfing everything"

First line. Shouldn't it's be its?

It is grand | horizon engulfs; these are two separate thoughts, and with their arrangements, the And only makes it look amateur. Say Engulfs everything for the verb, if you wish, or engulfing everything for the description, but just don't fuck it up.

Sitting in -- I'm not usually much for ending a line with In, as it's usually used in bad grammar [ie., In what we were sitting = What we were sitting in] but it's an actual phrase in this case; Sitting in, like the hippies. However, the next line doesn't seem to take advantage of it, so it just, again, seems amateur.

What color is an opal? Someone who's never seen one wouldn't know. Okay, so they're ignorant, but before I just searched it, I didn't know. Opals seem to be multicolored gems (usually) that fuck with the light, look like rainbows. It doesn't seem like Strong (not as weak to strong, just Strong as in, warm to cool) imagery to me, seeing those colors -- in any event, I don't see those colors, I just see the word Opal. Engulfing everything seems to be more suited for a warmer thing, if you'd even use a gem at all. But it's just me.

Re Grand: Cran is the man. A nice metaphor (rather than a connotation rich but physical relation poor word, if that makes sense) would be a strong pull with it.

"Sinking down under (original)
the monolithic weight of
it's presence, I see it -
one pebble in a pool
of ochre dust, and there
- in the small things,
I find a way to know it."

This is weak from |1 & 2. Another sign of an amateur (I know you're not, but that's how it looks and you're better than that) ending the line with Of for no reason I can see. Sinking is a good word to use, but the line of Sinking down under makes me want to see a complete line, rather than anything else.

Perhaps; S2

Presence, monolith
Sinking, I see it --
one pebble in ocher dust pool
-- in the small things,
I find a way to know it.

I think that would work better, but hey, if you don't like it, PM me to fuck off for editing. Saw a passive thing in that Pool of ocher dust (it's usually better to say something rather than have to associate it, but the way I just said it renounced metaphor and all of poetry, so try for me)

S3

Tiny pebble scattered,
by the tail of a monitor as he flees
the shadow of a silver kite. High up -
as if guarding the sacred places
she floats on hot air, casting
a speck on Uluru’s orange walls.

In |1, I added a comma for dual meaning in By (location, the other is associative action) Good strophe (indulge me) overall, actually, but the -- before casting seems much to me. I overuse those things, but it's to the purpose, and I think it'd be better if it were like the edit. The comma instead of the em (or what the fuck ever) dash gives her an action, and makes it better for the rather ominous textured standalone line off A Speck...

S4

Sergeant striped monitors
spy out the land; then,
in a flashy blink
disappearing out of focus.

I added a single comma, at the end of |2. I still feel this is too passive, though, because of the gerunds. So I changed one and added a semicolon. I do think both should be either gerunds or actions (technically verbs, but the gerunds more descriptive) so it's up to you.

Nothing much else to say that hasn't been said (by me) except that you may not need the final line of the poem. Too unsubtle a punch.

Some shit you shouldn't do, Huni. Tell me you have more control over your craft than making such mistakes (unless it adds the most genius texture) as ending a line with Of *for no purpose.*

I know how lousy I am with making use of critiques, though. I wish you luck.

Thank you, Huni. I may have spent longer reviewing this than you did writing the draft.

apple · 10-28-2007, 10:01 PM

What a beautiful, rich, vivid picture you painted. You captured me. Wonderful.

dannyboy · 10-29-2007, 04:23 AM

still think you should work with the small pebble as the opening and allude to Uluru because its size is too big to contemplate and still hate fast food, but hey, that's me.

huni · 10-29-2007, 06:10 PM

Ilasir, thanks - love doing images, glad you enjoyed them. The edit is still going on. Yep Ayers Rock. should I put it in the title perhaps?

Severn, thanks for reading and the good comments. As to my style - now you mention it I do seem to switch from crisp to loose within a poem. Not sure why, perhaps it's my narrative style ( in most poems anyway). Not sure yet, but in line with Dannys comment I may take the Ghost gum/women stories out for a different poem.

Cran, thanks, valid and valuable points. That first stanza is gone I think. May keep opal sky for the sergeant stripped stanza. As to the last comment;"I also thought you'd want to impress the ancient air of the place;
the weathered red heart that glowed in sunsets long before
there were human eyes to gaze and wonder ..." I do, maybe in another one with the ghost-gum bits. This one is more about NOT being able to express that.

your last comment was nearly a poem itself.

"Well, fuck it." lol. what does this mean? thanks for the in depth GV. I got most of it and will take it into consideration. Not sure what you meant with the "engulfed" comments. Someone has shown me a bit about end words and the impact of them, cran, I think, thanks for the heads up on it. Yes on the first line, it may go with the whole stanza. As to editing me, anytime. I do it. It's sometimes the only way I can explain what I mean.

Apple aww! thanks for such nice thoughts.

Danny, I like fast food (not the real rubbish) but the fun of it here where it is unobtainable. still you make a good point. You have my meaning with this poem and I agree (finally) about the first. It goes in the next edit. ta.

huni

Cran · 10-29-2007, 08:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by huni

Cran, thanks, valid and valuable points. That first stanza is gone I think. May keep opal sky for the sergeant stripped stanza. As to the last comment;"I also thought you'd want to impress the ancient air of the place;
the weathered red heart that glowed in sunsets long before
there were human eyes to gaze and wonder ..." I do, maybe in another one with the ghost-gum bits. This one is more about NOT being able to express that.

your last comment was nearly a poem itself.

you're welcome, huni ... and I look forward to the ghost-gum bits (is it me, or does that sound like a new lolly?) ... and thank you ...

I think opal sky is fantastic ... but then, I'm thinking of the subtle fire in milk opal, not the rainbow blaze in black opal ... but, if it doesn't work here, then perhaps with the new one?

Quote:

Someone has shown me a bit about end words and the impact of them, cran, I think, thanks for the heads up on it.

not I ... can't claim credit for that one ... more of a dannyboy, Ilasir, or Baron thing, I think ...