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Amadeus · 10-27-2007, 09:37 AM

Back street, late at night,
Needle slides, it takes a life.
Low-slung orange moon,
Not born too late
Or too soon.

High trees, obscurities,
Get off my knees,
My chemical wife.
Because bodies gettin rolled in sacks.

Melody,
the corner of your eye.
Melody,
No word of a lie.
But melody,
There's no words for the crime.
And Melody's just
takin notes
for the next time.

Jaguar · 10-27-2007, 10:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amadeus

Back street, late at night,
Needles slides, it takes a life.
Low-slung orange moon, ["low-slung" is kind of awkward here to be honest]
Not born too late
Or too soon.

High trees, obscurities,
Get off my knees,
My chemical wife.
Because bodies getting rolled in sacks. [Add the "g"]

Melody,
the corner of your eye.
Melody,
No word of a lie.
But melody,
There's no words for the crime.
And Melody's just
taking notes [add the "g"]
for the next time. [This is matter of opinion, but the repetition of "Melody" is too strong here]

I think you need to work on your last verse a little more, create some change, maybe some more imagery.

The read is very good though. If you want any suggestions, just ask.

All the best,
Julian

Voodoo · 10-27-2007, 11:15 AM

S1 feels a little noir. Not a bad thing, certainly, but it's rare to feel that about poetry. Hmm. Low slung orange moon works well because I actually see it. |2, I think you shouldn't try for assonance in Slide. Also, I'm not worried about the rhythm (rather staccato, but you've given it refrains in place of enjambment)

Not much the regional

because bodies gettin(g) rolled . . .

Perhaps you could lose the Because and add an Are? Though, are's a rather narrative word. Usually don't bother getting it replaced, but if you want, you could use a couple lines to describe that action.

S3 is piss, sorry.