Ripples - Writers Forum

Brendan N · 10-27-2007, 08:41 AM

You're going to have to forgive me for this, but I'm a bit of a graphic designer and I don't think that font is working in your favour sir. I think it has a definite impact on the meaning and the way I read the poem, even if it is only because I'm a fairly visual minded reader.

I think you build the description well, but I'm left with a sort of "what now?" feeling once I'm done reading. If I were you I might want to look at getting some contrast in there, maybe create a bit of tension. Not sure I'm making sense here, just my take on it

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Jaguar · 10-27-2007, 08:43 AM

Hmm, I see what you mean about the ending. I wanted to add more but I felt that it was good like it was. Maybe I'll try to work on it soon. Thanks alot.

Brendan N · 10-27-2007, 08:54 AM

I don't think you have to specifically add more, because I'm liking the sort of 'snapshot' descriptive quality.

Jaguar · 10-27-2007, 08:58 AM

At the last of my post, I mentioned the wall of clouds, I wanted to incorporate that into there. Maybe another stanza would be enough. I'm finding it quite difficult to change this one, there's something about it that's hard to get around.

jnbammer · 10-27-2007, 10:53 AM

It's good, but some of the imagery is lost on me. I understand it, but I don't feel connected from line to line. Subtle changes might fix this, or it could just be my interpretation. I'd like to see it be a little longer as well.

Voodoo · 10-27-2007, 11:09 AM

When describing nature, don't use unnatural words.

Basically, don't use abstractions. (If you're just describing it.) Radiance means nothing. Doesn't mean the word shouldn't be used, but there has to be a balance.

This line;

" Like water from leaves of mint"

Was very good. I could imagine some mint gum flavor in a backwash of saliva, after I'd spat it out. Not too pleasant, but I felt it. The rest is pretty garbage compared to it.

I don't see a moon.

I see An ocean's face of beauty

Which means, I don't think you did very well.

Discard the Pretty Ideas and try to actually relate everything you see to something we feel. I also don't think you should make this longer -- it'd get boring. Some nature still lifes are good poetry because they exercise word economy and they make the reader feel without using some cheap ass ploy.

Jaguar · 10-27-2007, 01:30 PM

Thanks for the responses.

Jaguar · 10-27-2007, 01:36 PM

Actually, this poem was about the scenery of 'moonlight on the water' being interupted by the wind. I will do some rewriting though and post it up.

Jaguar · 10-27-2007, 01:50 PM

dannyboy · 10-28-2007, 05:23 AM

to me its more a case of yeah but so what? So wind disturbs the reflection of the moon, so what?

Jaguar · 10-28-2007, 07:44 AM

Well, this poem is written around scenery, something I love to write. I think catching a scene in poetry is wonderful. Sure, there's not really a big deal associated with it, but you know, it's a great way to write poetry, imo.

Voodoo · 10-28-2007, 09:30 AM

Jaguar, I actually agree with you. I don't feel every poem (Even the ones you've spent a week on, certainly) need say something. More than philosophy, especially in this modern bit.

There's no Message (to mock the term) but there is meaning in something meant only to make the reader feel what you felt. If they do feel, and it's still a well constructed poem (with layers, and textures hopefully, but they could still be nothing more than some hints) then you've done alright.

Jaguar · 10-28-2007, 10:02 AM

Thanks alot for the comments, German Voodoo.

Travmire · 10-28-2007, 01:20 PM

Ripples
Julian Traverse

Gazing into the midnight sea
I sense a subtle reflection, (Is the moon's reflection subtle? Maybe it was, I don't know, but when I think of the moon's reflection on the water, I imagine something large.)
Plain yet furnished with flavour
Like water from leaves of mint,
Clouds full of enigma (I don't like this line. For one, it's an abstraction. Secondly, if you believe the mint line is your best, which I agree, then you should emphasize that line by making it the end of the stanza.)

Winds will merely shimmer (Wind is one of those things that poets can do a lot with, so when I see it mentioned, I expect more than this.)
An ocean’s mask of falsehood,
The moon’s face ignited (I think there should be some punctuation or something here, because I read this line and the next as one statement, and it sounds weird in my head.)
Deflowered of her purity,
Those ripples in the night