Ripples - Page 2 - Writers Forum

Ilasir Maroa · 10-28-2007, 02:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jaguar

Okay, here is my re-written version.

Ripples
Julian Traverse

Gazing into the midnight sea
I sense a subtle reflection,(what do you mean "sense"? Be specific: do you "see" something or what? And why "subtle reflection" what's subtle about this reflection?
Plain yet furnished with flavour(I see contrast here, but it's too direct, it is in fact a contradiction that emphasizes nothing.
Like water from leaves of mint,("water from leaves of mint?" how does water come from leaves of mint? you mean the juice? be a little more concrete. word choice is very important in poetry, and a lot of the time, it can pay to be specific.)
Clouds full of enigma(here would be the place to bring in that "wall of clouds" Perhaps break this into a different stanza and expand on the cloud image)

Winds will merely shimmer(shimmer does not usually take a Direct object, so add punctuation here so as not to accidentally connect "shimmer" with the next line)
An ocean’s mask of falsehood,(too abstract... are you making reference to the reflection here? be a little less subtle about it
The moon’s face ignited(moon is not associated with fire... be more concrete, how did the moon ignite? did it blush?! is that what you mean? I still don't get it)
Deflowered of her purity,(are you sure that "deflowered" can take a direct object?)
Those ripples in the night(this last line needs to be connected more to the cause of the ripples. you have too much stuff in between this l9ine and the line about the wind(which I assume is the source of the ripples)

You had an interesting if not original metaphor in the poem of the moon being a "maiden." But it wasn't expanded on enough to make an emotional connection with the reader.

One of the problems I have have with this poem is that it seems to ignore associations between words, which can be a powerful tool in all writing, but especially in poetry. You use say the moon is a maiden and that her face ignites, but you seem to forget that the moon is not usually associated with fire. If you had just said blushed, it would have been less of a stretch, but still, how can the moon blush?

Jaguar · 10-28-2007, 07:08 PM

Thanks everyone for the crits and comments, I'll try to do some work on it asap.

Jaguar · 10-28-2007, 07:17 PM

Ripples
Julian Traverse

Gazing into the midnight sea
I see a fragile reflection,
Plain yet furnished with flavour
Like dew from leaves of mint.

Winds will merely shimmer
an ocean’s mask of falsehood;
the moons face alighted,
Deflowered of her purity.
Those ripples in the night.
Meh, I done a little work on it. I changed some words here and there. See the last stanza is meant to show how I'm looking at the water, thinking it's beautiful, when in actual fact it's like a mask, because it's the moon above that's making the scene.