May Heaven Be Forever Autumn (My first post) - Writers Forum

muchhiker526 · 10-26-2007, 08:45 PM

May Heaven Be Forever
Autumn

May Heaven be forever Autumn,
My conscience doth sum’rize
That if it were, a thousand suns
‘Twixt bough and branch would rise.

No leaves would grow upon the tree,
But gems of purest turn;
Rubies and amber and emeralds,
Where riches, none shall yearn.

And, lo, there would be roadways golden,
Wrought not by smithy’s hands
‘Tis rather paved by wind and Falling,
Adorning trodden lands.

May Heaven be forever Autumn
That all with eyes may see,
Through orange and red and light amongst,
God’s endless majesty.

Erik Buchanan · 10-26-2007, 09:17 PM

I would suggest going through this removing all the "forsoothly" speech. It has the potential to be an intersting piece, but I don't think putting it into semi-renaissance english works.

Jaguar · 10-27-2007, 10:14 AM

I have to agree with Erik on this one. I also have wrote poems with this kind of English in it, and it seems it doesn't go over too well compared to modern day English. Nice read though, I enjoyed reading it.

Voodoo · 10-27-2007, 12:35 PM

Learn how to format, fucking skittle.

Mermaid on the breakwater · 10-27-2007, 01:02 PM

First of all, get rid of the different colours.

Second, don't say yea when you're using this form of English.

Thirdly, what a lovely poem. Flows beautifully.

Pale Gallery · 10-27-2007, 02:59 PM

Can't read it, already have a headache.

Brendan N · 10-27-2007, 03:37 PM

What Erik and German Voodoo (hahaha!) said. I also find it too formulaic for something so speculative and romantic, but I speak under correction. Sans all that, I think it flows pretty well.

Jaguar · 10-27-2007, 05:29 PM

It does flow very nicely. Reformat it and it'll be fine.

wheelz1138 · 10-27-2007, 05:57 PM

I suppose I'll likely be the only person to say I like the formal language. I think it gives the poem a part of it's form and effectiveness.

I only have one suggestion:
Get rid of the color. It is highly distracting.

muchhiker526 · 10-27-2007, 06:18 PM

Thanks alot. I will, for the sake of my writing style, keep the Old English terms, but I changed the color ^^. What is meant by reformating?

Ilasir Maroa · 10-27-2007, 08:35 PM

For the style, the format(not exactly sure what you mean GV and others) works fine for me. Perhaps... Some people tend to think all modern poetry should be written in free-verse, but it's not true.

The english is also fine, except possibly the yea...

But...:

what is "sum'rize" supposed to mean? Last line of stanza two confuses me. Not sure how "wrought by smithy's hands" connects to the rest of the passage. A lot of people tend to mix their metaphors, and I think it's a bad thing. The two "-ing" verbs one after another in stanza four bother me. The rhythm of line three in the last stanza might benefit from some polysyndeton(usage of "and" or "or" generally, instead of commas.

Jaguar · 10-27-2007, 08:38 PM

I meant the format of the post. Basically the color and things. Looks much better now, would be easier to read though if it were a size bigger though.

Voodoo · 10-27-2007, 08:44 PM

elision of summarize?

It's (alright. Me, though the sentiment's shared by others) too archaic. As Ivor'd say;

it's not victorian era. probably shouldn't write victorian era.

If we do consider the style, (allow;

most people beginning to write poetry have this notion of what it is, and they think it's cheap rhyme with very old words.) it's not terrible.

I read Yea as Ye, not Yeah.

Ilasir, the color was rainbow before he changed it.

But, I've already been slandered enough on this fucking forum, may as well contribute --

this is not my taste of poetry so I don't like it.

"SO . . . you're just ignorant! Just cuz it's not YOUR vision!"

"Well fuck, I'm not going to rip out your eyes just so I can get another fucking vision."

Just not my taste. Modern poetry is modern poetry, and Yea Thou Shall Turnest is retrograde turned tasteless.

Ilasir Maroa · 10-27-2007, 08:48 PM

Oh, okay... I wasn't exactly sure if that was what "format" was refering to.

Anyway, if it's a question of taste, then make that clear. Personally, this poem falls within range of what I consider to be my wide taste in style. Hopefully, the suggestion/questions/points I made don't impinge upon the style of the poem, but lean towards the content and craft.

Baron · 10-28-2007, 01:43 AM

I could accept the use of old English if it was used correctly, it isn't, it's being used with no understanding of the grammar. Example. "groweth" = grows. Therefore this poem would read "no leaves would grows on the tree". I suggest that the poem be rewritten in a language that the writer understands.