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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
10-26-2007, 01:56 AM
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#1
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Addict
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: On the dark side of the moon, or Canada
Gender: Male
Posts: 156
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Stained Glass Window
I made a stained glass window
of coloured tissue paper
that looked like
wrinkly smooth glass
blue and red and yellow
soft, smooth, yet so fragile
lines of colour between
the black and white
pencil drawings of angels
I don't quite know
how many pieces ripped
before the design was finished
My love for her
is a stained glass window
so soft, so smooth, so fragile
it seems the slightest pressure
tears us apart
no matter how careful
a poor choice of words
a gesture misunderstood
mistakes I can't prevent
but in the end
a thing of beauty
worth the effort
I know now that
these mistakes are just
steps towards a masterpiece
a thing of dreams and faith
made of wrinkly smooth glass.
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10-26-2007, 02:38 AM
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#2
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: australia
Posts: 4,485
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first get rid of the centering - if your enjambment/line strucutres are working then centering will fuck them up, if they aren't centering will not disguise the fact. Its a poem not a greeting card.
I made a stained glass window
of coloured tissue paper - solid start, concrete image, I am curious.
that looked like - unneccessary line - adds nothing and sounds like crap.
wrinkly smooth glass
blue and red and yellow
soft, smooth, yet so fragile - drop yet so
lines of colour between
the black and white
pencil drawings of angels - where did the pencil drawings come from, my curiosity wanes.
I don't quite know - poor line - who cares?
how many pieces ripped - maybe just ripped pieces?
before the design was finished
My love for her - now it falls well and truly off the rails - you just had to go and explain that its a love poem huh? Trust the image.
is a stained glass window
so soft, so smooth, so fragile
it seems the slightest pressure
tears us apart
no matter how careful
a poor choice of words
a gesture misunderstood
mistakes I can't prevent
but in the end
a thing of beauty
worth the effort
I know now that
these mistakes are just
steps towards a masterpiece
a thing of dreams and faith
made of wrinkly smooth glass.
excellent start, great image, but halfway through it just went so soppy the tissues got used!
__________________
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10-26-2007, 07:36 AM
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#3
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Addict
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: On the dark side of the moon, or Canada
Gender: Male
Posts: 156
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work in progress, I guess. 
And the lines are centred because then it looks more like a window, then just left justified lines. I never centre unless it makes sense to me for the poem. Like in Plum, the poem takes the shape (kind of) of a plum if it's centred. |
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10-26-2007, 01:50 PM
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#4
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Addict
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: On the dark side of the moon, or Canada
Gender: Male
Posts: 156
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I made a stained glass window
of coloured tissue paper
wrinkly smooth glass
blue and red and yellow
soft, smooth
lines of colour between
the black and white
drawings of angels
how many pieces ripped
before the design was finished
My stained glass window
so soft, so smooth, so fragile
it seems the slightest pressure
mistakes I can't prevent
but in the end
a thing of beauty
worth the effort
I know now that
these mistakes are just
steps towards a masterpiece
a thing of dreams and faith
made of wrinkly smooth glass. |
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10-26-2007, 02:18 PM
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#5
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 377
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I liked it. I felt too many use of the word "smooth"...
__________________
I sent my Soul through the Invisible,
Some letter of that After-life to spell:
And by and by my Soul return'd to me,
And answer'd "I Myself am Heav'n and Hell :"
Lote's Tales and Poetry
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10-26-2007, 04:36 PM
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#6
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Addict
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: On the dark side of the moon, or Canada
Gender: Male
Posts: 156
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I made a stained glass window
of coloured tissue paper
wrinkly smooth glass
blue and red and yellow
lines of colour between
the black and white
drawings of angels
how many pieces ripped
before the design was finished
My stained glass window
so soft, so fragile
it seems the slightest pressure
tears I can't prevent
but in the end
a thing of beauty
worth the effort
I know now that
these mistakes are just
steps towards a masterpiece
a thing of dreams and faith
made of wrinkly smooth glass. |
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10-26-2007, 08:50 PM
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#7
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,925
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The last edit is a great improvement on the original.
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10-27-2007, 07:36 AM
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#8
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Addict
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: On the dark side of the moon, or Canada
Gender: Male
Posts: 156
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Thanks -- I thought a lot about what dannyboy said regarding "trusting the image."
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10-27-2007, 09:27 AM
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#9
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: England, the beautiful southwest.
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,293
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Really like the latest version. Much better in many ways than the original and I love the idea of the relationship and this girl as fragile but beautiful like a stained glass window.
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10-27-2007, 10:26 AM
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#10
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Scribe
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Washington DC area
Gender: Male
Posts: 65
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Good edits and modifications. I'd keep going though because it still reads a little like a letter than a poem. Keep hashing it out - you're making great progress with this!
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10-28-2007, 08:53 AM
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#11
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Addict
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: On the dark side of the moon, or Canada
Gender: Male
Posts: 156
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I made a stained glass window
coloured tissue paper
wrinkly smooth glass
lines of colour between
drawings of angels
how many pieces ripped
before the design was finished
My stained glass window
so soft, so fragile
the slightest pressure
tears I can't prevent
but in the end
a thing of beauty
worth the effort
these mistakes are just
steps towards a masterpiece
a thing of dreams and faith
made of wrinkly smooth glass. |
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10-28-2007, 09:05 AM
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#12
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,925
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Quote:
Originally Posted by The Cloaked Stranger
I made a stained glass window
coloured tissue paper
wrinkly smooth glass
lines of colour between
drawings of angels
how many pieces ripped
before the design was finished
My stained glass window
so soft, so fragile
the slightest pressure
tears I can't prevent
but in the end
a thing of beauty
worth the effort
these mistakes are just
steps towards a masterpiece
a thing of dreams and faith
made of wrinkly smooth glass. |
I would mark this done. |
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10-28-2007, 09:31 AM
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#13
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Addict
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: On the dark side of the moon, or Canada
Gender: Male
Posts: 156
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Thank you.
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