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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
10-25-2007, 05:06 AM
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#1
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,914
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Cloake in Claret
removed for publishing reasons
Last edited by Baron : 11-13-2007 at 06:34 PM.
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10-25-2007, 06:14 AM
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#2
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Best Seller
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Birmingham, England
Gender: Male
Posts: 502
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Sounds like it was a perfect evening!lol. 'lost in a moment stolen' slightly equivocal Baron. Maybe just use a comma before stolen. I like this piece.
__________________
"He was over at our house struggling with a poem he could not finish, so I took him upstairs and gave him sex. He came down and finished that verse in twenty-five minutes."
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10-25-2007, 06:19 AM
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#3
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: australia
Posts: 4,431
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Cloaked in Claret.
Cloaked in claret consequence;
snared by error embraced, - why not embraced error - you still get the excellent cadence of sound beginning with consequence and do not force an alomst 'quaint' turn of phrase.
forlorn, frosty hope
lost in a moment stolen. - again why not stolen moment - this backthefronting might sound poetic but it jars to my ear when i read it out loud. Not as sound, I agree, but as sense.
Love for an instant ends love - huh?
which might otherwise endure.
Heart, a barrier built dulls hurts,
conceals, relieving nothing; morose
mourning shades, moulding mind
feed regret.
Empty tomorrows
through moistened mist,
Eyes half closed. like the ending.
This is solid and I enjoyed it Baron, its just... well you got a great ear for sound but that may be making you lazy with your phrasing and syntax.
Just a thought.
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10-25-2007, 06:43 AM
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#4
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,914
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dannyboy
Cloaked in Claret.
Cloaked in claret consequence;
snared by error embraced, - why not embraced error - you still get the excellent cadence of sound beginning with consequence and do not force an alomst 'quaint' turn of phrase.
forlorn, frosty hope
lost in a moment stolen. - again why not stolen moment - this backthefronting might sound poetic but it jars to my ear when i read it out loud. Not as sound, I agree, but as sense.
Love for an instant ends love - huh?
which might otherwise endure.
Heart, a barrier built dulls hurts,
conceals, relieving nothing; morose
mourning shades, moulding mind
feed regret.
Empty tomorrows
through moistened mist,
Eyes half closed. like the ending.
This is solid and I enjoyed it Baron, its just... well you got a great ear for sound but that may be making you lazy with your phrasing and syntax.
Just a thought.
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Thanks for the comments dannyboy. I've applied a couple of your suggestions. |
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10-25-2007, 07:04 AM
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#5
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Scotland
Gender: Male
Posts: 250
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More the ticket this to me. A couple of quibbles though. The second line doesn't read smooth - is it the preposition? Also, there would seem to be more than the last three lines allow. But, excellent, I'd say. Especially the absence of further punctuation L7, which really does resonate.
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10-25-2007, 07:06 AM
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#6
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Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Make-believing that I have a soul beneath the surface.
Gender: Female
Posts: 7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Baron
Cloaked in Claret.
Cloaked in claret consequence,
snared by embraced error,
forlorn, frosty hope
lost in a stolen moment.
Love for an instant ends love this line is cliche'
which might otherwise endure.
Heart, a barrier built dulls hurts,
conceals, relieving nothing; morose
mourning shades, molding mind,
feed regret.
Empty tomorrows
through moistened mist,
Eyes half closed.
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other than the one line i enjoyed it very much.
i think the briefness validates the concept of a 'stolen moment'.
i liked danny boy's suggestions.
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10-25-2007, 07:17 AM
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#7
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,914
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Amadeus
More the ticket this to me. A couple of quibbles though. The second line doesn't read smooth - is it the preposition? Also, there would seem to be more than the last three lines allow. But, excellent, I'd say. Especially the absence of further punctuation L7, which really does resonate.
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Thanks for the comments and I'll give some thought to what you're saying. |
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10-25-2007, 07:23 AM
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#8
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,914
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Accidentally On Purpose
other than the one line i enjoyed it very much.
i think the briefness validates the concept of a 'stolen moment'.
i liked danny boy's suggestions.
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Thanks for the input. I'll give that line a little more thought. |
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10-25-2007, 09:46 AM
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#9
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,914
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SteMcGrath
Sounds like it was a perfect evening!lol. 'lost in a moment stolen' slightly equivocal Baron. Maybe just use a comma before stolen. I like this piece.
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Thanks for the comments. There have been a few comments on this and I missed this one. I have made some changes since you posted this. |
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10-25-2007, 09:52 AM
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#10
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Best Seller
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Borders Northern Feelings and Intuitive Stuff.
Gender: Male
Posts: 555
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There seem to be two semantic fields, which explains "stolen moment".
I'd change "stolen moment" though, it's a bit cliched.
"otherwise" is probably otiose:L6.
__________________
"Automagically the game restarted; by chance a leaf fell at our feet. Brittle and veined with shades of umber. Delicately it crunched, like a shuffled deck."
Jacob Stillmarner, The Melody Of The Lucky Not Good, 1944
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10-25-2007, 11:08 AM
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#11
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,914
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Quote:
Originally Posted by L00kbackinanger
There seem to be two semantic fields, which explains "stolen moment".
I'd change "stolen moment" though, it's a bit cliched.
"otherwise" is probably otiose:L6.
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Thanks for the input. I know that those two words are a bit of a cliche but I used them for the assonance. I will give some thought to what you're saying. |
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10-25-2007, 02:45 PM
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#12
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,994
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Baron
Cloaked in Claret.
Cloaked in claret consequence,
snared by embraced error,
forlorn, frosty hope
lost in a stolen moment.
Instant lust loses love
which might otherwise endure.
Heart, a barrier built dulls hurts,
conceals, relieving nothing; morose
mourning shades, molding mind,
feed regret.
Empty tomorrows
through moistened mist,
eyes half closed.
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You are now what I consider "instantly recognizable". I might not "get it" every time, but I know who done it. My only problem was with a barrier built dulls hurts - This simply felt like a strange fragment - like there needs to be a comma somewhere in between the words.
__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."
"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"
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10-25-2007, 04:04 PM
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#13
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,914
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eiji Tunsinagi
You are now what I consider "instantly recognizable". I might not "get it" every time, but I know who done it. My only problem was with a barrier built dulls hurts - This simply felt like a strange fragment - like there needs to be a comma somewhere in between the words.
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Are you saying that I have a "voice" but that you can't understand what it's saying? I've made a couple more changes to this. |
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10-25-2007, 06:30 PM
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#14
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,994
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Baron
Are you saying that I have a "voice" but that you can't understand what it's saying? I've made a couple more changes to this.
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No, no, you have a distinctive style. It's just that it is a style of careful word choice (or at least it appears careful) and so the message can sometimes feel cryptic, almost. Hidden among the words that have to be combined, like a puzzle...
Also, I like the changes.
__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."
"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"
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10-25-2007, 10:16 PM
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#15
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,914
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eiji Tunsinagi
No, no, you have a distinctive style. It's just that it is a style of careful word choice (or at least it appears careful) and so the message can sometimes feel cryptic, almost. Hidden among the words that have to be combined, like a puzzle...
Also, I like the changes.
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Well thanks for that... I think.  |
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