A poem for now - Writers Forum

Adam Lewis · 10-25-2007, 02:02 AM

This is the candle that I have held for so long, by its light I view all others
Years it’s been, memories grown, longing intensified, have these memories distorted?
I had but given up hope, to my memory you had been stored.

A mail, a praise, a fleeting gaze the candle burns my hand.
There you are, my dreamed of queen, for real, untouched, no longer a dream.

But here it comes, our time has passed, the moments between us have flown down separate paths.
For you are there and I am here, together we dance in memory dear.

I fear I will grow old and hold onto a single regret.
The girl I let slip by, married another, though a better man than me I'll bet.

But at least we will always have this, a dear friendship, no one can asunder.
For now I will hold one thing true, my dear friend, our friendship starts a new.

JohnN · 10-25-2007, 03:01 AM

Not bad, I thought some of the lines were a bit long.

I liked

Quote:

There you are, my dreamed of queen, for real, untouched, no longer a dream.

But I didnt like

Quote:

The girl I let slip by, married another, though a better man than me I'll bet.

I think it was the "better man than me i'll bet" bit. I think there can be more imagination when describing she left for a better man. Perhaps mention your shortcoming or his skills etc. Just an idea though.

Adam Lewis · 10-26-2007, 02:33 AM

Thanks for the feedback John!
That line didnt quite sit right with me either, but I wrote that on the fly right here, was on the forum reading through some other works on here when I recieved an email from said girl, just felt like throwing something out there to help stop it from swirling around in the ol' nogin.
we have all been there huh

cheers

dannyboy · 10-26-2007, 03:46 AM

Is this a poem?

I mean this...where is the form, the cadence? the use of image or metre or anything that helps to construct a poem? This reads as a letter broken up to look like a poem - now if that's what you want, well you got it, otherwise I'd work on using some poetic devices. Like enjambment or repeated sounds or something....

Cran · 10-26-2007, 11:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Adam Lewis

This is the candle that I have held for so long,
by its light I view all others.

I fear I will grow old and hold onto a single regret.

The girl I let slip by, married another ...
a better man than me I'll bet.

Adam Lewis, there is in this the core of an idea ...
The rest is waffle ... better to lose it ...

Adam Lewis · 10-29-2007, 12:52 PM

Thanks Cran,
What started as a way of venting a feeling has been turned into a poem I really like, you took what i was trying to say and nailed it, legend!

Adam Lewis · 10-29-2007, 01:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dannyboy

Is this a poem?

I mean this...where is the form, the cadence? the use of image or metre or anything that helps to construct a poem? This reads as a letter broken up to look like a poem - now if that's what you want, well you got it, otherwise I'd work on using some poetic devices. Like enjambment or repeated sounds or something....

yeah danny boy as I said before it was more a spur of the moment vent, a need to throw all the crap that was in my head out there than a real attempt at making a structured poem, but I would have to disagree on the "is this a poem?" part based on the idea of it needing to follow things like form imagry etc, yes conventionally you are more than correct, but who is to say what defines expression? I would be more inclined to argue that this is more an emotional rant than poetry.Oh and by the way, there is no way I would every write a letter in this way, all my letters begin with my name and address in the correct upper right hand position, an initial statement of intent etc. lol

cheers

Ilasir Maroa · 10-29-2007, 03:58 PM

well, it's a little lettery, but it had some rhyme that really gave it rhythm, and there were some sound effects and slight traditional rhythm as well.