Pale Gallery

..drank for two days straight;

Bloody denim trousers,
ripped and shredded in rain.
Mother rang the ambulance,
as Johnny screamed in pain.
Sophie put in stretcher,
had to be cut out of car.
Face was scratched and torn,
doctor said it would scar.

..went on his first date;

After school, was nervous,
pegged it home to change.
Rang the girl in question,
to plan the day they arranged.



can't be bothered writing the rest, I give up. Someone else do it.

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"In the end it is impossible not to become what others think you are." - Julius Caesar

Baron

It finishes quite well where it is. We'll wait to see the master critique.

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Eiji Tunsinagi

My complaints are with the bold stuff. The 2nd stanza feels incomplete (mostly because you said so) but doesn't necessarily need anything added. I don't like the two ripped in the 1st stanza, or the unnecessary -ing -- you can work around that. Si?

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"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."

"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"

Pale Gallery

I think I've lost it, it all seems to be going down hill.

__________________

"In the end it is impossible not to become what others think you are." - Julius Caesar

Eiji Tunsinagi

I think it works as is. You don't have to add more if you don't want to. Just edit it some.

__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."

"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"

Baron

I think someone has had an intimidatiing approach to critique. Don't be thrown off your stride by it. If there's anything you can accept take it on board if not ignore it. The trick is to pick out the meat and ignore the attitude.

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Eiji Tunsinagi

I wasn't being too rough, was I? It's not like I was cursing or flipping the coffee table or anything. Just pointing out some spots I think might be of interest in an edit.

__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."

"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"

Baron

I wasn't referrring to you.

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Eiji Tunsinagi

lol OK. Then I could be a little more rough.

__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."

"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"

Pale Gallery

Well, it's not just Voodoo, it's more about people in real life.
My artistic train of thought has been going down hill for a while really.
Surely you can see my poems aren't as challenging anymore?

I've got a feeling this critical studies crap on my course is deconstructing the way I think about things, art mainly. It's like, what's the point in writing a good poem or trying to make good art anymore, everyone is a critic and points out the bad.

It's like going out with a girl and every time you see her thinking "Her nose is a bit crooked, don't like her top."

And then you have this Po-Mo tosh that people keep mentioning on the forum (I brought it up I think). People who write shit and don't give a shit. I might have been in that boat at some point. At least you know where you stand with that kind of thing. I feel like I'm not writing or doing anything creative in my natural minset anymore, I have this fucking designer, critic demon inside me saying "Maybe you shouldn't do that, it's not marketable."

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"In the end it is impossible not to become what others think you are." - Julius Caesar

TinyMachines

pale, i think that way a little bit sometimes too. it's not really a bad thing unless you adhere 100%...or if it really fucks up your poetry. i haven't seen it do that yet, but i haven't been on much this week.
i secretly read on here a lot and don't respond. your stuff is usually my favorite, so i don't see any problems myself.

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My solo music: www.myspace.com/constantbullshit