California - Writers Forum

TinyMachines · 10-23-2007, 07:10 PM

A fresh fleet of dark gray clouds
floats through dim purple atmosphere,
sailing on the sea of the sky.
The trees are awakened as their armada
leaves home. Waving gently,
making sure they aren't too loud.

It's a sneak attack under cover of darkness.
Hundreds of clouds plump with rain,
prepared to drop their bombs on the neighboring desert.
With the wasteland sufficiently watered,
they can move in--
take over. No one likes cacti anyway.
And soon there will be
more happy trees, in what used to only produce peyote.
Until wildfire season in Anza-Borrego State Park.

TinyMachines · 10-23-2007, 07:46 PM

no one's even viewed this! come on people. I am commenting and critiquing.

Ilasir Maroa · 10-23-2007, 07:50 PM

Woah... slow down. Give people time to finish with threads they have already invested time in.

Now, I think there is some good imagery here, but I'm not sure about the event portrayed here. Is this a literal event, or just an interesting fantasy?

Baron · 10-23-2007, 07:51 PM

Interesting and fun read. I know that this is a hot potato right now but I think that you could look at tightening up the format.

TinyMachines · 10-23-2007, 07:59 PM

vodka and redbull has me super antsy. i just watched a bunch of threads go by without one view and i was thinking conspiracy. Does anyone have suggestions on where to tighten it up? maybe un-needed lines?

the event is basically, well...i was watching the clouds on the skyline pass by the black trees rather quickly, and i just had a fanciful idea for why the trees were moving so much.

Eiji Tunsinagi · 10-23-2007, 08:05 PM

If I wanted to be a bastard I could tear this apart line by line. I don't think I'll do that. But I will ask a question I was recently asked that made me rework some of my pieces: Are all these line breaks necessary? And also, take heed of what Ilasir already mentioned. I like this piece some, but more could be done (of course).

TinyMachines · 10-23-2007, 08:10 PM

i realize more could always be done, i am not sure what right now. maybe in a week i will see. i just wrote it two hours ago.
I am so used to throwing in line breaks at every possible point. I know it usually doesn't work for my longer pieces, but it's a hard habit to break. how does it look now?

Baron · 10-23-2007, 08:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TinyMachines

A fresh fleet
of dark gray clouds
floats through the dim purple atmosphere, lose and break
sailing on the sea of the sky.
The trees are awakened
as their armada leaves home.
Waving gently,
making sure they
aren't too loud.

It's a sneak attack
under cover of darkness.
Hundreds of clouds
plump with rain,
prepared to drop their bombs
on the neighboring desert.
With the desert sufficiently watered,
they can move in--
take over.
no one likes cacti anyway.
And soon
there will be
more happy trees,
in what used to be a desert.
Until they elect Nero
during wildfire season.

I've been told off by Ilasir for rewriting people's poems so I've just shown one possible edit that could be reflected through the poem. Most of the places where "the" appears you could dispense with it and this would allow the opportunity for a break. Read through and use line breaks where you want pause or emphasis.

Eiji Tunsinagi · 10-23-2007, 08:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TinyMachines

i realize more could always be done, i am not sure what right now. maybe in a week i will see. i just wrote it two hours ago.
I am so used to throwing in line breaks at every possible point. I know it usually doesn't work for my longer pieces, but it's a hard habit to break. how does it look now?

I went through a short mountain-backpacking stint type-deal of using line breaks quite a lot as well - but then I was forced to realize that sometimes, when you break the lines too often, you are throwing unnecessary weight on words or phrases that are not that unimportant. So then when you do line-break for something important that you want especially noticed -- no one notices. It is a hard habit to break. But that's why it should be. I think. Right now it is OK, content-wise, I suppose -- but I feel the breaks could be worked on some more.

TinyMachines · 10-23-2007, 08:26 PM

i really don't mind people rewriting a poem like this. it isn't my usual style, so it feels kind of like i don't know what i am doing. when I wrote it, i knew there were a ton of things that needed changing. that's what i depend on everyone here for.
Thanks, really.
I edited again, see what you think. I should really do this with less alcohol in my system.

Baron · 10-23-2007, 08:30 PM

I think that this runs a lot better now. I'll take another look in the morning when I've had some sleep.

TinyMachines · 10-23-2007, 08:32 PM

thanks a million for the help!

Eiji Tunsinagi · 10-23-2007, 08:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TinyMachines

A fresh fleet of dark gray clouds
floats through dim purple atmosphere, sailing on the sea of the sky. (DROP THIS DOWN)
The trees are awakened as their armada leaves home.
Waving gently, (PUT THESE ON THEIR OWN, SAME LINE)
making sure they aren't too loud.

It's a sneak attack under cover of darkness.
Hundreds of clouds
plump with rain, (PUT THESE TWO ON THE SAME LINE)
prepared to drop their bombs on the neighboring desert.
With the desert sufficiently watered,
they can move in--
take over. No one likes cacti anyway.
And soon there will be
more happy trees, in what used to be a desert.
Until they elect Nero during wildfire season.

There's too much desert goin' on in that 2nd stanza. And regarding the top - you said you don't mind the editing!

TinyMachines · 10-23-2007, 08:43 PM

i like the third line separate. when i originally moved it up, i guess it sounded good in my head.

Ilasir Maroa · 10-23-2007, 09:31 PM

I liked the line break after "Nero", but that might be just me... I thought it promoted rhythm, but I guess you could say it puts too much emphasis on "during". Oh well.

I think this reads a lot better now. I see it in groups of three lines. THat may be wrong though... Is that what was intended?