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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
10-23-2007, 04:18 PM
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#1
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Best Seller
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Britain
Gender: Male
Posts: 656
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Vivid Diagnosis
That doctor threw cancer right down my throat,
I swallowed it, but didn't take it in.
A week or so down the line, I found I couldn't swim.
I was stood on the edge of the pier, my brother pushed me in.
It was not assisted suicide, but an act of faith or courage.
My brother thought me a brave old soul; my brother was my friend.
__________________
"In the end it is impossible not to become what others think you are." - Julius Caesar
Last edited by Pale Gallery : 10-23-2007 at 04:44 PM.
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10-23-2007, 04:26 PM
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#2
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Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Tampa,FL, though I long to one day call my birthplace (NYC) home.
Gender: Male
Posts: 23
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I really dig it. Lol, I wish I had more to say, but nothing comes to mind. Awesome work. Cheers, J.E.
__________________
"The unexamined life is not worth living." -Socrates
"All I ever wanted was to pick apart the day, put the pieces back together my way." -Aesop Rock
"And for a minute there, I lost myself." -Radiohead
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10-23-2007, 04:31 PM
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#3
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Banned
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Nashville
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,711
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I can see a poet peeking his puerile little head in somewhere.
_
That doctor threw cancer right down my throat; (or a period.)
I swallowed it, but didn't take it in. (colloquial is fine, but perhaps fix the In?)
A week or so down the line, I found I couldn't swim. (Here, swim is In but still)
I was stood on the edge of the pier, my brother pushed me in.
It's a nursery rhyme thus far. it doesn't set out to do much, and it doesn't. Little more connection between previous and the period of 'swimming' would be nice, as would slightly clarifying the term I was Stood on--
It was not assisted suicide, but an act of faith or courage.
My brother thought me a brave old soul; my brother was my friend.
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10-23-2007, 04:40 PM
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#4
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Best Seller
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Britain
Gender: Male
Posts: 656
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I can see a cunt poking his giant head in somewhere.
_
At least offend me after you've critiqued.
Voodoo, I can imagine you were the kid in the playground who pushed someone over and made them cry, then said "Wanna go play?"
Crazy behavior.
__________________
"In the end it is impossible not to become what others think you are." - Julius Caesar
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10-23-2007, 06:42 PM
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#5
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Banned
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Nashville
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,711
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You called me a cunt and you changed the poem? Really, only one is necessary.
Cunt and Poet are not the same insults.
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10-24-2007, 03:14 AM
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#6
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: London
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,284
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pale Gallery
I can see a cunt poking his giant head in somewhere.
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Fuck me Pale, that made me laugh my bollocks off! |
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