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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
10-23-2007, 08:23 PM
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#16
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Banned
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Nashville
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,711
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Sapling willow,
tender leaves, stripped
lay under
__ardent urges --
roughshod wind.
Heartwood
calloused, hardened by (still hate this end)
__rigorous gusts
(Here would be a better instance of the child reference)
(that) stress sinewy beauty -- (That is not a friendly word)
of the budding tree.
Damn storm's rancid rain!
steals the trust, the soil,
drowns the thirsty roots.
Cracks the limb, (bent too far)
__Pounding!
the bough breaks.
Bough weeps leaves, sniffles
(The end line I've added is probably cliche, but I feel something in that vein would reinforce the metaphor without just saying; "Fuck it, CHILD.")
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10-23-2007, 08:31 PM
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#17
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Writing Machine
Join Date: May 2004
Posts: 1,741
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Got the girl, soft, young virginal-like. Got a brute. On subsequent reads got the last stanza and then felt a sudden stop. Made me wonder where the writer wanted me to go. The last st. seems to be a sum up/explanation but left me feeling unfinished somehow. Liked it though - should have said that first. : ) must read the "how to crit" handbook again. huni
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10-23-2007, 08:34 PM
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#18
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: USA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,240
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No one gets the nursery rhyme reference to rock a bye baby?
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If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.  
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10-23-2007, 09:22 PM
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#19
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: AmbientArtists
Gender: Private
Posts: 3,694
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Where? The bough breaking?
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My hopeful book:
Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!
"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."
www.theoddvillepress.com
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10-23-2007, 10:03 PM
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#20
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: USA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,240
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ilasir Maroa
Where? The bough breaking?
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That's one. The entire poem is a retelling of that nursery rhyme with a hidden reference to a child molestation that tore a family apart.
Rock a bye baby
In the tree top
when the wind blows
the cradle will rock
when the bough breaks
the cradle will fall
and down will come baby
cradle and all.
No one picked up on that either?
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If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.
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10-23-2007, 10:04 PM
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#21
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: AmbientArtists
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Posts: 3,694
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Wow, I see it now. Interesting... but I think it would be a better poem if you could bring that into focus a little less subtley.
__________________
My hopeful book:
Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!
"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."
www.theoddvillepress.com
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10-23-2007, 10:16 PM
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#22
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,914
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Show don't tell? A little more perhaps.
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10-23-2007, 10:20 PM
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#23
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Banned
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Nashville
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,711
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VanGogh, are you sure you want that in there? It feels a touch gimmick.
Of course, what the hell about verse isn't? I didn't pick up on it because my mom never sang that shit to me. Called me a crackwhore motherfucker a few days ago, though.
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10-23-2007, 10:46 PM
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#24
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: USA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,240
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Quote:
Originally Posted by German Voodoo
VanGogh, are you sure you want that in there? It feels a touch gimmick.
Of course, what the hell about verse isn't? I didn't pick up on it because my mom never sang that shit to me.
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I think it's subtle enough. No one else seemed to get it either.  I like the idea of contrasting a children's bedtime story, with a child's bedtime nightmare. You'll find I often use contrasting thoughts in my work.
Quote:
Originally Posted by German Voodoo
Called me a crackwhore motherfucker a few days ago, though.
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In your mom's defense, you can be a pain in the ass.  Just kidding, GV. 
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If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.
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