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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
10-23-2007, 05:25 AM
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#1
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Scotland
Gender: Male
Posts: 250
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Harmony
Come back to me lover
and bring with you a basket,
a basket bright
of flowers dry and wild.
I'm singing, memory's light,
Like you, eternal child.
Bring with you this
Strawberry sweet
the unkissed kiss.
I did turn my back
I did walk away
Come back to me lover,
for I lack
Your sun harmonious,
this cloudy day.
Last edited by Amadeus : 10-23-2007 at 12:19 PM.
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10-23-2007, 05:35 AM
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#2
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,911
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A very nostalgic feel, nice lines and spiritual metaphor.
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10-23-2007, 05:55 AM
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#3
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 288
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Really nice piece, I especially like this line...
Quote:
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Strawberry sweet the unkissed kiss.
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very immotive |
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10-23-2007, 06:04 AM
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#4
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: London
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,299
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I had a slight stumble over "Bring with you this and bring with you this".
I guess I expected the second part to read differently.
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10-23-2007, 08:50 AM
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#5
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,994
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I stumbled in the same spot as Pete -- maybe it would work better if the this statements were on separate lines? Or simply changed. Otherwise, this was a nice piece of nostalgia.
__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."
"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"
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10-23-2007, 12:20 PM
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#6
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Scotland
Gender: Male
Posts: 250
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Thanks, have amended
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10-23-2007, 02:56 PM
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#7
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: AmbientArtists
Gender: Private
Posts: 3,693
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Not sure about the title, but this had a nice feel, and I liked the strawberry line.
__________________
My hopeful book:
Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!
"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."
www.theoddvillepress.com
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10-23-2007, 03:44 PM
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#8
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Banned
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Nashville
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,711
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Alright, disclaimer -- only as good as its intentions.
_
Come back to me lover
and bring with you a basket,
a basket bright
of flowers dry and wild.
Off the bat, the reader expects archaic syntax (from the "nostalgia", and Baron will know about Archaic) which is easily confused with bullshit. However, bright of flowers makes no sense. Bloating with flowers, bright with flowers (though still, it's rather passive if you use the gerund) makes more sense, as something cannot be bright of flowers.
I'm singing, memory's light,
Like you, eternal child.
This strophe has nothing concrete. You're singing? Why don't you tell me how your voice sounds. I certainly can't hear it.
Bring with you this
Strawberry sweet
the unkissed kiss.
What is an unkissed kiss? A contradiction for?
I did turn my back
I did walk away
Okay, from this, I'd expect the Other Person to be talking to you (or in the past) as if; "You didn't;" then; "But I did, sorry."
Come back to me lover,
for I lack
Your sun harmonious,
this cloudy day.
Sun harmonious is an ugly line, fitting for the rest of the lines. Harmony is an ether-word. I can't feel it Ether -- I can feel this cold thing which, in some parts, may not exist. Connotations are a tool more powerful than outright imagery, but if even the imagery fails to deliver, it's quite a bit of nothing.
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10-24-2007, 01:21 AM
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#9
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Scotland
Gender: Male
Posts: 250
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Aside from those trifling quibbles, it's all right, Voodoo!? Must say, I enjoyed your comments. Why defend yourself when you're guilty? The poem's a dog, but I aint takin' it for no walk.
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10-24-2007, 07:31 AM
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#10
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: australia
Posts: 4,431
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Harmony
Come back lover, bring
a basket of flowers
I sing, memory's light,
eternal child.
Bring with you
the unkissed kiss.
I lack harmonious sun
this cloudy day.
needs a tinker, cut the crap and work the idea.
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10-24-2007, 08:19 AM
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#11
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Scotland
Gender: Male
Posts: 250
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Much better!
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