Writers Forum - WritingForums.com Home Rules FAQ Members Groups Calendar Gallery Search
» Sign Up «

Welcome to Writing Forums, one of the fastest growing writing communties on the web.

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest which gives you limited access to view most discussions, articles and photo galleries. By joining our free community you will be able to talk with other writers, get feedback on your work to improve your writing skills, discuss ideas, share tips & tricks, network and make friends!

Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free so please, join our community today!

If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact support.
  Search Forums
Lit.Org - Bootcamp for writers. Post your work and other writers review it, it's that easy.

Advanced Search



Go Back   Writers Forum - WritingForums.com > Creativity > Poetry
Register FAQ Members List Calendar Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc.

Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 10-22-2007, 11:03 PM   #1
Prolific Writer
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Ny
Gender: Male
Posts: 279
surfacetoday is on a distinguished road
Basements

Basements

Sold severely, cutup with all the insides streaming
you become a bastard in the morning.
Pills and runny yellows on your stomach the quiet lull
soft music and the birds chirping they do pair themselves so close
for a distinct reason, right.
Then old leather deep lined heavy weather on the two legs cracked burned long ago by
antique fire has your lips on the rim
where the spit meets deep brown, the tongue is such a melody
pink and inviting
it’s all over the grass garden, that looks green in the sunlight but dead
under the glassed dark;
Now you may understand worry,
worked in silver and heavy quotations, furrowing and unfurling through radio-visions
and collapsing language
and there; with domino eyes, big white dots and black outlines, too heavy for legs and spitting at the television screen comes a thick light
and a door flash hooded opening.
So don't forget to leave emptied.
__________________
Eat shit and poop it out, then repeat ten million times til you become a saggy old basset hound.

www.myspace.com/jakeharms

for music, writing stuff

Last edited by surfacetoday : 10-23-2007 at 12:15 AM.
surfacetoday is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-23-2007, 04:11 PM   #2
Banned
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Nashville
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,711
Voodoo is on a distinguished road
Send a message via MSN to Voodoo
Using gerunds for assonance (or implied half rhyme) is a false-prophet method.

"Pills and runny yellows on your stomach the quiet lull
soft music and the birds chirping they do pair themselves so close"

The syntax in that is just weird, mate. Need some punctuation?

I don't feel well and I'm rather pissed at the world. Sorry for not giving more.
Voodoo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-23-2007, 11:07 PM   #3
Prolific Writer
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Ny
Gender: Male
Posts: 279
surfacetoday is on a distinguished road
umm, alright. point taken, it was awkward.
__________________
Eat shit and poop it out, then repeat ten million times til you become a saggy old basset hound.

www.myspace.com/jakeharms

for music, writing stuff
surfacetoday is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-24-2007, 07:37 AM   #4
Ink Slinger
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: australia
Posts: 4,427
dannyboy is an unknown quantity at this point
cut the crap out of it - use just thje images, the rest can go. And Voodoo is right - he often is you know.
dannyboy is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 09:22 AM.
Powered by vBulletin, Copyright ©2000-2007, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
LinkBacks Enabled by vBSEO 3.1.0


 
You are NOT Logged In.
User Name:

Password



Newsletter

Subscribe to Majestic
the official newsletter of Writing Forums and lit.org
Email:


Related Links

Link to Us:
Writing Forums - Discussions for Writers