Voodoo

--Change my name when life
changes; lungs patter, direct
shuns of blood shift, even
as I hump another first time.
___Shifting, the rocks in my blood
___globing, perfect circles

slight ripples -- the beauty
___the mar? --Gentlemen, gentle
___is the earth. Color of feet
is the earth; dust and shotgun blowback
holes, dens in the ground -- warm, shifting

Baron

I don't like the breaks in the first stanza. It's jerky

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Voodoo

(S v. S)

Thank you, I paid attention to that.

Ilasir Maroa

This poem is "shifting" all right. I prefered the first stanza, as I thought the imagery was better connected(which may or may not matter to you).

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Pale Gallery

Can I ask why you feel the need to write your poems in that form? Genuinely, I'm interested, I never play with format.

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Voodoo

It's not playing with format.

In a phrase, straight blocks tend to bother me. If the poem needs it, which is rare (look from who it spews) I'll consider it, but it's usually de facto two lines by three or so.

Or, it's used to denote different ideas or shifts, without using a strophe break.

surfacetoday

I like the images in this; 'the rocks in my blood/globing, perfect circles' is particularly vivid and arresting. The idea of stress, of weight on the soul is summed up perfectly within that little image.
Also the warmer scenes of dens to hide in, as places for recess and recovery, were very well executed - they were both simple, and successful in their connotations. Upon reading them i immediately thought of warmth and nurturing in the face of detriment.
Anyway, not much in the way of criticism to put... possibly it could be clearer, but then again I'm kind of a fan of the ambiguity.
Also, it sounds like drugs just a little bit, i don't know why - possibly the pattering lungs and shifting blood, which sounds to me like the swishing sensation of collapse from pills... but hey, that might just be my overactive imagination getting the best of me.

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aRt

i also like the use of imagery in this piece...a little overtaken at first encounter...but with a second and third read...as most poems deserve anyway...it becomes an interesting familiarity that is as a bit inviting with its ambiguous subject matter...i almost want to keep reading it until i figure out exactly what is meant by the writer...and i was always taught that some poems are best when they create that affect on the reader...thank for this piece...


aRt

Eiji Tunsinagi

I feel there is something insightful here, but your form hides it...too well. I like the imagery but not the repetition of shifting/shifts. I'm still trying to figure out the hidden message. I guess that's a good thing?

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Mermaid on the breakwater

This one is too abstract. The other one you posted was sensational, Voodoo, but this one is jerky and not connecting with me on any level. I don't know if that's my fault but I just can't see it.

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ms. vodka

format is good. overall, you have a collection of images with no thread tying them together. that's fine if you want it to be partial, i mean if you want to leave it that way. but to me, it feels unfinished. i agree with mermaid, the abstraction is too much. makes me sigh.

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confessions of a modern day poetess