Originally Posted by German Voodoo

He curses pieces I think. I'd like him not to comment on this one.


No, nothing the author doesn't do. If, however, you're uncomfortable with people making negative comments on your work and only want friends to look, marvel, and stroke you off;

Be my guest.

"Sorry. I'm not about poems that rhyme if they don't want to rhyme. This one stopped rhyming and so it is what it is."

Not about -- PoMo, was it? It seems lazy, actually, if a poem just loses its rhythm. It should be an incentive to read and keep along with it, not just be there and "clog shit up."

_

There
in the high cabinet -
the floors crack so loud

Walk me through the line break choices. Nothing wrong, yet, I simply want to know if you control your work or post it and go get some tail.

my rushing for the wooden stool
slamming it down
I step up groping
the top shelf

Okay, you go from describing from your own voice, someting Not You, then go into present tense narration of your own actions (marks some of the most amateur poetry. Not you, of course, just saying, it's bad if, of course, it doesn't work) Also, I don't see why you didn't have punctuation. I'm not averse to poetry that shuns it for style, but if it seems absent out of WhoFuckKnows, it's not tea.

and finally grip
plyers:
Red-handled
rusty-tipped

Yes, what about pliers (misspelled it, I think) merits a line break all its own? Going into line for line description should pace the reader, so I do believe commas would enhance this. Of course, You rule.

Her screams echo
plates rattle
in the cupboards
down the hall -
These will have to do...

So, it's just action? Not "Echoing screams," not description, just (passivity can be a good thing) narration? Line breaks are a great innovation in poetry (from the purely sonic roots) that add detail. Why, mate, did you put "in the cupboards;" what double meaning is there? PoMo, sounds. Also, a thought in your head should, I think, be offset (though, it shouldn't be there at all in that strophe, as it's all told in your head, and most poets think, usuallu, italics are blunt instruments)

I leap through the open door
hinges still
creaking

Well, okay, this is the (nonphilosophical, but I can't do it well either) line break I meant. Hinges still -- means, they're still. Still creaking and Still are two different things, which is good, but they're contradictory, so it's simply ruined.

as I disappear
into morning mist
silk against my skin

(as I) rather telly thing, don't you think?Trying to gently coax the reader from the poem, which is okay, but not doing it right. You need to pay attention as to how you construct your strophes. Otherwise, we needn't bother reading it in the Poetry forum. Of course, you needn't use a strophe at all, but if you want to tackle it;

"Be my guest."

Originally Posted by Pale Gallery

plyers looks right.

Originally Posted by Eiji Tunsinagi

I don't feel like answering the questions, but I will definitely change some of this.

There simply comes a point where you have two artists. One photographs, lets say, a statue in a city. He focuses on the statue. The other artist says, "Hey, why didn't you focus on the city?" The statue shot is perfectly fine...but this other artist hates statues.

I think I know what I'm getting at but I'm going to stop anyway.

It's just preference after a point. And sometimes your preference will go unheard.

Originally Posted by German Voodoo

I said pliers before you made the comment. Yes, you're right.

"even if it will completely wreck my style probably -- but who the hell cares about style, right?"

That's PoMo. Wrecking a style is not what I'm saying. There are some things that are technically bothersome (Look at Cormac McCarthy and Steinbeck -- incomplete sentences from masters?) but still work. If they don't work, they are, actually, Mistakes.

"Thanks."

You're welcome.
_

However, seeing as you're not familiar with Sp2, you really should apologize for being out of line. What?

Originally Posted by Eiji Tunsinagi

I don't feel like answering the questions, but I will definitely change some of this.

There simply comes a point where you have two artists. One photographs, lets say, a statue in a city. He focuses on the statue. The other artist says, "Hey, why didn't you focus on the city?" The statue shot is perfectly fine...but this other artist hates statues.

I think I know what I'm getting at but I'm going to stop anyway.

It's just preference after a point. And sometimes your preference will go unheard.

Originally Posted by Eiji Tunsinagi

And, this isn't something to say on writing boards, but I find Steinbeck really annoying. I would say his style doesn't work. Do I go around bashing Steinbeck and telling everyone that he is terribly mistaken? No. That's just my opinion. I think you simply have a differing opinion on what a poem should do/look/feel/etc. And I'd just like you to know I, for the most part, disagree with you. You appear to have a high understanding of the technical aspects of Poetry, but your boorishness, big-headedness, whatever, causes people to really find you unpleasant. It doesn't make you wrong, it's just I don't think as many people listen to your opinion based on how you've come to express it. This nonsense is taking up to much of my time. I need to go to a board where I'll get some critiques that sound more formal and educated, and can express there opposing views without sounding like smart little kids.

Originally Posted by German Voodoo

I didn't say too much about the poem's content. I mentioned the amateurish technicalities, which are not style. Yes, line breaks and punctuation are style, but not being able to control or defend it isn't.

If your preference is to make a mistake, I think you should change.