I Am What I Am - Writers Forum

Ilasir Maroa · 10-20-2007, 10:40 PM

I Am The Rez

I Am What I Am

I am what I am:
I am the rez;
Indian reservations made me,
joined hands with white-man prejudice;
brick and mortar for
a new home,
with walls of tradition
and traditional boundaries.

I am blood-drenched clay,
speckled by rifle-scat.
Many died here
their bodies far from home;
My land is where my loved
lie buried, my now-pallid past;
not here, not here...

I am what I am:
a run down gymnasium,
with shattered-glass glitter;
a dusty dance-floor,
full of steps
that aren't quite fancy.
I am where the slow dance
isn't fueled by love,
but by caution.
Look out for the wet floor,
where joy slips
in beer and whiskey tears.

I am what I am:
ever tired; a home
for the homeless;
the gift
of a broken land
to broken spirits,
born and dead in pieces.

I am what I am:
sun-baked hoof prints
left by barren buffalo,
vanished
with the long-shed tears.
Where once lay calves
on the emerald carpet;
an empty cup, yet full...
of parched, thirsty sorrow.

I am what I am:
an asphalt meadow,
with rock-road shrubbery,
watered by alcohol.
I am grief-salted earth,
where nothing can grow,
but misery, and yet...
even my deep roots drown
in false solace, fools' firewater.

I am what I am:
a dried-up lake of progress;
an empty aquifer, a well,
that draws its water from your veins;
a red land for a red people.
The red of the blood they bled,
shed to stay free from me.
Even weeds
avoid my dry cracked crust;
I hold one lonely rose bush
growing
in dunes of white flesh;
misery loves irony.

I am what I am:
I am the house built of prejudice,
with small rooms for those of small import;
guarded by barred windows;
built of blood-red bricks.

I am what I am;

I am the rotting potter's field,
where the broken dreams still grow,
withered by fear, rooted in custom,
On the untended graves.
I am the soil of despair;
fertile ground
for the wilting blossoms
of misplaced faith.

Baron · 10-20-2007, 10:45 PM

I like this a lot. The style you've chosen leaves little room for critique. The content and form are good and strong. I think that you misspelt boundaries though unless that was deliberate.

Ilasir Maroa · 10-20-2007, 10:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Baron

I like this a lot. The style you've chosen leaves little room for critique. The content and form are good and strong. I think that you misspelt boundaries though unless that was deliberate.

Crap, I hate when that happens... I want critique! Ahhhhhh!

Anyway, I wrote this out longhand first, and I swore to myself I would spell boundaries properly, but I guess I forgot.

Thanks for the quick response.

Baron · 10-20-2007, 10:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ilasir Maroa

Crap, I hate when that happens... I want critique! Ahhhhhh!

Anyway, I wrote this out longhand first, and I swore to myself I would spell boundaries properly, but I guess I forgot.

Thanks for the quick response.

No pleasing some people. I think that you could avoid bringing the reservation in the second time in the last stanza if that makes you happy.

Ilasir Maroa · 10-20-2007, 10:55 PM

Got rid of it, thanks Baron. Just as another question for anyone who reads this through... I am not sure about some of the line breaks, especially those after words like "the" and "a." Does anyone have any opinions on those?

Baron · 10-20-2007, 10:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ilasir Maroa

Got rid of it, thanks Baron. Just as another question for anyone who reads this through... I am not sure about some of the line breaks, especially those after words like "the" and "a." Does anyone have any opinions on those?

I think that the line breaks are okay on this but I'd definitely suggest losing the caps on this one.

Ilasir Maroa · 10-20-2007, 11:03 PM

I'll try that out, thanks again Baron.

cinder and smoke · 10-21-2007, 10:36 AM

I really liked this. I actually felt sad as I was reading it and that is a good sign! Sorry to ruin your day but I can't offer any critique

Eiji Tunsinagi · 10-21-2007, 11:13 AM

I like this. And again, sorry - it is quite succinct and leaves little room for critique...the message is obvious, but well expressed, and your imagery was fantastic. Sorry?

Voodoo · 10-21-2007, 11:18 AM

I am what I am
I am the rez
Indian reservations
Made me
I am bloody clay
Speckled
By rifle-scat
_
Hmm? You are. "I am;" relic of the adolescent? Still, I do see a slight setup for the tone;
_

I am what I am
_
Tacky ass line.
_
A new home
With walls of tradition
And traditional boundaries
_
What would that be?
_

I am what I am
A dusty dance-floor
I am a run down
_
Poor connection. Do you think it wise to simply throw some shit out and expect the reader to care? What about a dance floor?
_
Gymnasium
Where the steps
Aren't quite fancy
_
Poor rhythm established;
_

I am what I am
Naturally weary, a
_
Yes yes, masterful technique, ending with A;
_
Home for the homeless

I am what I am
Watered by tears

Grief-salted earth
_
Decent line, and it's saved by the relative Salt
_
Where nothing can grow
But misery

I am what I am
The gift
Of a broken land
To broken spirits
_
Laughing;
_

I am what I am
A footprint
Of a barren buffalo
Footprints abound
In me
Even weeds avoid
My dry cracked crust
_
Cracked dust? So, you're the earth;
_

I am what I am
An empty aquifer, a well
That draws its water
From you
Misery loves irony
_
Poor connection, lazy;
_

I am what I am
A red land
For a red people
The red of the
Blood they bled, shed
To be free from me
_
They died to be free from you? I thought the white men massacred them, but okay;
_

I am what I am
I am the house built
Of prejudice
I am the field
Where grow the broken dreams
_
Syntax is off;
_
Maimed by fear, chained
By custom
_
Here, you're prey to Of/By/connection;
_
I am the soil of despair
Fertile ground for the
_
Tacky to end with The
_
Wilting flowers of misplaced hope,
Faith
_
What about it?

Eiji Tunsinagi · 10-21-2007, 01:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by German Voodoo

I am what I am
I am the rez
Indian reservations
Made me
I am bloody clay
Speckled
By rifle-scat
_
Hmm? You are. "I am;" relic of the adolescent? Still, I do see a slight setup for the tone;
_

I am what I am
_
Tacky ass line.
_
A new home
With walls of tradition
And traditional boundaries
_
What would that be?
_

I am what I am
A dusty dance-floor
I am a run down
_
Poor connection. Do you think it wise to simply throw some shit out and expect the reader to care? What about a dance floor?
_
Gymnasium
Where the steps
Aren't quite fancy
_
Poor rhythm established;
_

I am what I am
Naturally weary, a
_
Yes yes, masterful technique, ending with A;
_
Home for the homeless

I am what I am
Watered by tears

Grief-salted earth
_
Decent line, and it's saved by the relative Salt
_
Where nothing can grow
But misery

I am what I am
The gift
Of a broken land
To broken spirits
_
Laughing;
_

I am what I am
A footprint
Of a barren buffalo
Footprints abound
In me
Even weeds avoid
My dry cracked crust
_
Cracked dust? So, you're the earth;
_

I am what I am
An empty aquifer, a well
That draws its water
From you
Misery loves irony
_
Poor connection, lazy;
_

I am what I am
A red land
For a red people
The red of the
Blood they bled, shed
To be free from me
_
They died to be free from you? I thought the white men massacred them, but okay;
_

I am what I am
I am the house built
Of prejudice
I am the field
Where grow the broken dreams
_
Syntax is off;
_
Maimed by fear, chained
By custom
_
Here, you're prey to Of/By/connection;
_
I am the soil of despair
Fertile ground for the
_
Tacky to end with The
_
Wilting flowers of misplaced hope,
Faith
_
What about it?

I disagree with almost 100 percent of this.*

*Almost represents a margin of error that is possible in my lack of comprehending what the hell German Voodoo is talking about, due to the fact I lack the ability to....oh, never mind. It's complicated.

I think this poem is great anyway.

wheelz1138 · 10-21-2007, 01:45 PM

"I am what I am"... are you trying to say these places and things are speaking these words, or that the people who inhabit and use these things are a part of them in a more meta-physical sense? I understand the descriptions used for the most part. They add up to a very well rounded community. I just think the voice is a bit vague. Also, your continued use several times of "I am who I am" becomes redudant and boring to me. I think the poem could survive and still be effective with line repeated less often.

Ilasir Maroa · 10-21-2007, 03:37 PM

WZ- The poem is written in a certain style, and the repeating line is necessary. The place is speaking, not a person.

GV- Glad to see your(oops, "you're", lol) back. Some of the lines are specific to a certain audience, can't be helped. But the rest of your comments were very helpful. Changes on the way. Do come back and tell me how much worse I've made it,lol.

wheelz1138 · 10-21-2007, 03:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ilasir Maroa

The place is speaking, not a person.

am I the only one who finds that a little disturbing? lol
anyway, if the repeating line is so that you can fit your poem into a certain style I can't argue anymore

Ilasir Maroa · 10-21-2007, 04:22 PM

Yeah, sorry. I really hate doing that kind of thing, but it was necessary here(even if I completely ignored some of the other style elements 'cause they drove me so nuts).