I Am What I Am - Page 4 - Writers Forum

Ilasir Maroa · 10-26-2007, 03:03 PM

Lol... gee Germy, take a joke...

Point to be made: "Rez" is not my shortening, it's pretty much a universal reference... and that association you made between "rez" and punishment is actually quite applicable.

Travmire · 10-26-2007, 04:39 PM

I Am What I Am (Cliché.)

I am what I am
I am the rez (Use "reservation" here and "rezes" or something in the next line.)
Indian reservations made me
Joined hands with white-man prejudice ("Made me/Joined?" Are these separate sentences? If not, the verb is conjugated incorrectly.)
A new home
With walls of tradition
And traditional boundaries (I don't like this line.)

I am bloody clay (I would say "bloodied clay" instead. "Bloody clay" makes me think you're British.)
Speckled by rifle-scat
Many died here
But their graves are not revered (This line is weak.)
My land is where my love (I thought the speaker was the land? That's kind of like me talking about my Travmire.)
Lies buried, my now-pallid past
Not here, not here (This line isn't needed.)

I am what I am
A run down gymnasium (This stanza doesn't fit with the rest of the poem.)
With shattered glass glitter
A dusty dance-floor
Full of steps
That aren't quite fancy (This line seems wrong to me. I don't like it.)
Where the slow dance
Isn't fueled by love
But by caution
Look out for the wet floor
Where joy slips drunkenly (Omit "drunkenly." The next line is stronger than that word, and having the same thing is redundant.)
In beer and whiskey tears

I am what I am
Naturally weary, a home (I think "Tired" would be better than "Naturally weary." It would draw me more toward, "I am tired...")
For the homeless
The gift (This stanza wouldn't be missed if it were cut.)
Of a broken land
To broken spirits
Born and dead in pieces

I am what I am
A hoofprint
Left by barren buffalo
Vanished
With the long-shed tears
Washing away the top-soil (Not a fan of this line either.)
And the emerald carpet
An empty cup, yet full
Of parched, thirsty sorrow

I am what I am
An asphalt meadow
With rock-road shrubbery
Watered by alcohol
I am grief-salted earth
Where nothing can grow
But misery, and yet...
Even my deep roots drown
In false solace (Try to find a concrete way of saying this.)

I am what I am
A dried-up lake of progress
An empty aquifer, a well
That draws its water from your veins
A red land for a red people (This line is just blatant.)
The red of the blood they bled
Shed to stay free from me
Even weeds
Avoid my dry cracked crust
Misery loves irony (How poetic. Cut it.)

I am what I am
I am the house built of prejudice
With small rooms for those of small import
Guarded by barred windows
Built of brick-red blocks (This is somewhere around the fifth time you've said "red.")
I am the rotting potter's field
Where the broken dreams still grew
Withered by fear, rooted in custom
On the untended graves
I am the soil of despair
Fertile ground (This line contradicts other lines.)
For the wilting blossoms
Of misplaced faith

Two things for my preference of poetry: First, it annoys me when the first word of every line is capitalized, but that's style. Also, poems that have no or little punctuation bother me. They are much harder to read. Yes, it probably sounds right in your head, but not in everyone else's head. Punctuation is what tells us to think the same. It's hard to tell when one sentence ends and the next one begins here.

And the repetition of "I am what I am" is not nearly as integral to the poem as you think it is. In fact, it detracts from it a great deal. I would get rid of it entirely if I were you.

Ilasir Maroa · 10-26-2007, 10:30 PM

Haha, I wish I could get more reviews like this, thanks Tramvire.

Much of what you said was very useful. The title line is necessary, even though I agree that it's a little silly. I used "rez" to differentiate between the actual reservation, and the other meaning of reservation, but I'll see if I can change it anyway. I'll change that "grave" line. The concept of the reservation is speaking, not the physical land, but I'll look at changing that anyway. I'll get rid of drunkenly, but the stanza has to stay. Naturally weary refers to the "natural" infertility of the reservation land, the main reason it was given to the "Indians;" However, I'll try to change it if possible. I'll work on that "top-soil" line, thanks. I'll work on making "solace" a more concrete image. The "red" line was supposed to be blatant, and the red is a recurring theme. I'm keeping that "irony" line, it has a purpose, but I'll try to integrate it more. The contradiction was on purpose, but I can't remember the name of the technique at the moment, sorry.

Despite thos few disagreements, I look forward to seeing a review from you on future poems of mine. Thanks again.

A new version is up with all suggested changes that fit within the style. Thanks again... again.