I Am What I Am - Page 2 - Writers Forum

Ilasir Maroa · 10-22-2007, 06:03 PM

Any more comments guys? Or should I let this fade into forum obscurity, labeled "Mostly Done"?

Pale Gallery · 10-22-2007, 06:14 PM

Oh, I thought this was posted yonks ago. Thought I commented.

No, nothing to say really. Time to let it disappear into the abyss of the long forgotten poems of writingforums.com. Maybe in 2010 you could nudge it back up again for a larf.

Just looking at my old poems. Fun

Ilasir Maroa · 10-22-2007, 06:21 PM

Nothing to say as in it's bad, or as in you don't see anything you want to change.

Pale Gallery · 10-22-2007, 06:23 PM

Nothing to say, as in it's good... and I'm too tired to think properly.

Ilasir Maroa · 10-22-2007, 06:24 PM

'Kay, thanks anyway.

Ilasir Maroa · 10-23-2007, 02:41 PM

I'm bumping this because I showed this poem to some friends of mine, and they all agreed that I need to go more in depth with the metaphors. Any thoughts?

Pale Gallery · 10-23-2007, 02:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ilasir Maroa

I'm bumping this because I showed this poem to some friends of mine, and they all agreed that I need to go more in depth with the metaphors. Any thoughts?

Do you nag your friends to critique your poetry too? lol
It sounds like they agreed with you to shut you up.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah just change the metaphors."
Doesn't sound like logic to me.

Maybe you should just write anther poem?

Ilasir Maroa · 10-23-2007, 03:00 PM

I didn't nag the PG. Why are you always so negative?

Pale Gallery · 10-23-2007, 03:16 PM

I'm not being negative, I'm just really really really upset with you Ilasir.

It Is What It is

If you went more in depth with the metaphors, I would be banging my head against the wall trying to figure the poem out. It's pretty complex as it is in my opinion.

As Baron said, first comment:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Baron

The style you've chosen leaves little room for critique. The content and form are good and strong.

You in particular don't need to go into depth with the metaphors.

I'm not sure why you want more critique when the best poets on the forum (including myself) have said they think it's pretty free of any obvious flaws.

EDIT: Go have a cupa, have a nap, then come back and write another poem.

Voodoo · 10-23-2007, 03:23 PM

"I'm not sure why you want more critique when the best poets on the forum (including myself) have said they think it's pretty free of any obvious flaws."

Moron.

It's full of them, and telling Him/Her (I don't what the fuck you are, Ilasir) it's perfect is pretty goddamn bad advice.

Figure out how to format it before you worry about metaphor. I don't see anything beyond the metaphors, anyway. What makes this thing special?

Ilasir Maroa · 10-23-2007, 06:45 PM

I think the metaphors are important, but Voodoo has a point about the format. What does it mean when someone says that the style(structure, whatever) leaves little room for critique? Why can't you say you think the style should change? Do you like the structure? Which line breaks do you think work? Which don't(IYO)? If somebody thinks the entire poem needs to be reformatted, then maybe it does. Little things don't improve someone's overall reptoire. They can help, they are useful in context, but sometimes big things need to change. The question I am asking here is: The style you think I was going for notwithstanding, what problems do you have with the poem? Big, small, whatever.

Note, I altered the stanzas after rereading Voodoo's critique about connections, syntax, and rhythm. Hopefully, I haven't entirely misinterpreted his points.

Baron · 10-23-2007, 06:54 PM

I think that the poem has a stacatto feel now, particularly in the first stanza and the theme should have a more gentle rhythm
I respect Voodoo's views over a lot of things but I grow bored with poetic critique that implies that all should asopt the form used by that particular poet. Personally, I'm not interested in appealing only to the highbrow elite and writing poetry that needs a guide book to interpretation. My own opinion is that you can continue to tweak this and the same can be said of any poem. Just don't lose your own voice in the process.

Ilasir Maroa · 10-23-2007, 07:00 PM

*Sigh*... the problem with poetry is that sometimes it's hard to tell mistakes from the poet's style and voice. I'll try to gentle the ryhthm a little. Thanks for the thoughts Baron.

Ilasir Maroa · 10-23-2007, 10:21 PM

All right, edited for rhythm, format rearranged for less broken-up metaphors, line-lengths altered for smoother flow.

Damian_Rucci · 10-24-2007, 08:19 PM

Deep. I liked it, it was very deep and it uses imagery perfectly.