Skin Coated Kerosene - Writers Forum

Mer de Nuit · 10-20-2007, 06:13 PM

A QUICK DISCLAIMER. THE FOLLOWING POEM DEALS WITH RATHER DARK AND MORBID SUBJECT MATTER AND MAY MAKE SOME READERS UNEASY. JUST A LITTLE HEADS UP. ENJOY!

It's the stare
from her lover
as he holds
a loaded gun
that prompts her
to believe
that neither truly won.
A smile splits
his face
knowing that she's free,
so he thinks to himself
"next the children
then me.
Because all the world's a stage
and all the players plagued.
They wallow in the filth
that they themselves have made.
Architects of indifference
with our empires built of flesh,
but those I love will be shepherds
and won't fall in with the rest."
To the water
go the children,
he says "don't hold your breath.
Mom and I both love you,
and for you we want the best."
With his family put to rest
now comes the final scene.
One strike lights the match,
his skin coated kerosene.

Cheers, J.E.

Baron · 10-20-2007, 06:32 PM

A strong poem well written. I think that the line breaks are a bit jerky in places, particularly at the beginning of the poem and that this work would benefit greatly if you smoothed them out a little.

wheelz1138 · 10-20-2007, 07:00 PM

I agree about the line breaks. Also, slightly off-topic but hopefully still relevant, I'd suggest the disclaimer code be added due to the content of your poem. I also got a bit of a morbid laugh out of the mature context of a murder-suicide followed by your ending your post with cheers. Back to your poem though, I enjoyed it.

Mer de Nuit · 10-20-2007, 09:20 PM

Haha, yea I do suppose a poem as morbid as this could use a bit of a warning. Thank you so much for the feedback. Line breaks have always been difficult for me, I can never figure out how to go about inserting them. Any ideas?

Baron · 10-20-2007, 09:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mer de Nuit

It's the stare from her lover
as he holds a loaded gun
that prompts her to believe
that neither truly won.
A smile splits his face
knowing that she's free,
so he thinks to himself
"next the children,
then me.
Because all the world's a stage
and all the players plagued.
They wallow in the filth
that they themselves have made.
Architects of indifference
with our empires built of flesh,
but those I love will be shepherds
and won't fall in with the rest."
To the water go the children,
he says "don't hold your breath.
Mom and I both love you,
and for you we want the best."
With his family put to rest
now comes the final scene.
One strike lights the match,
his skin coated kerosene.

Cheers, J.E.

I've just made a couple of chages here. A good rule of thumb is to read the poem aloud and put the breaks where you want the flow to pause, rather like commas and stops.

wheelz1138 · 10-20-2007, 09:28 PM

it may not be the best way of deciding when to break, but generally whenever you'd consider a comma or other punctuation to end a line. Also, it might help to silently read the poem to yourself and just take a break where it feels appropriate, re-read and then decide if it works.

wheelz1138 · 10-20-2007, 09:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Baron

I've just made a couple of chages here. A good rule of thumb is to read the poem aloud and put the breaks where you want the flow to pause, rather like commas and stops.

Ha! it looks like we both wrote nearly the same thing, at nearly the same time... great minds think alike?

Eiji Tunsinagi · 10-20-2007, 10:19 PM

I like it. I think Baron's cut works a little better though; it reads less like lines cut to fit the form of a poem, IMO.

cinder and smoke · 10-21-2007, 10:07 AM

Baron's version is better.

Lovely writing though. I really enjoyed reading it.

Ilasir Maroa · 10-21-2007, 05:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cinder and smoke

Baron's version is better.

Lovely writing though. I really enjoyed reading it.

Um, I know you "tinkerers" are just trying to find the best way to get a point across, but the fact that people usually like your versions(hyperbole, but valid) better is not a real confidence booster for the poet recieving critique.

Um, in the last(title) line, it seems like his skin is doing the coating. Perhaps make it clear that the kerosene is coating his skin, not being coated by it.

The topic was very well expressed, but the rhythm needs work in some places. I'll try a line-by-line when I have more time.

Baron · 10-21-2007, 05:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ilasir Maroa

Um, I know you "tinkerers" are just trying to find the best way to get a point across, but the fact that people usually like your versions(hyperbole, but valid) better is not a real confidence booster for the poet recieving critique.

Um, in the last(title) line, it seems like his skin is doing the coating. Perhaps make it clear that the kerosene is coating his skin, not being coated by it.

The topic was very well expressed, but the rhythm needs work in some places. I'll try a line-by-line when I have more time.

If you read the response to a suggestion about line breaks the guy said he had no idea so I showed him and told him how to get there.

Ilasir Maroa · 10-21-2007, 05:39 PM

But that doesn't mean I can't offer my own brand of help does it? I thought not.(yes, I did read the whole thread).

Baron · 10-21-2007, 05:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ilasir Maroa

But that doesn't mean I can't offer my own brand of help does it? I thought not.(yes, I did read the whole thread).

I hate people re-writing my poems when they try to take it over with their "voice". I think that's what needs to be avoided.

Ilasir Maroa · 10-21-2007, 05:53 PM

Baron, you do it sometimes(IMO), in a more comprehensive way than I(even if we both have disclaimers saying "take the message to heart, not the exact re-write). I have never "re-written" someone elses poem. I point to parts I think are jerky, and let them change what they think is changable, and ignore on the parts they think intrude on their voice.

An interesting thought: Do you think I he will rewrite his poem on my say-so? I feel like God.

Baron · 10-21-2007, 05:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ilasir Maroa

Baron, you do it sometimes(IMO), in a more comprehensive way than I(even if we both have disclaimers saying "take the message to heart, not the exact re-write). I have never "re-written" someone elses poem. I point to parts I think are jerky, and let them change what they think is changable, and ignore on the parts they think intrude on their voice.

An interesting thought: Do you think I he will rewrite his poem on my say-so? I feel like God.

If he's wise he'll consider and make up his own mind. That puts him in the role of God. You make the suggestion but he has the power.