The Healing - Writers Forum

wheelz1138 · 10-20-2007, 05:42 PM

Deep scarlet life draining slowly away,
through a needle buried, deep in my flesh.

Rough movement,
as if a train rattling along.

I'm floating above myself.

Vertigo with voices, gently...
"Everything will be all right."

The tingling touch of cold's deep grasp.

Drifting sounds of pings and whistles.
Everything is in darkness now.

Feeling a stab, suddenly I'm alive again.
The healing is complete.

Baron · 10-20-2007, 05:52 PM

I think that you need to seriously think about line breaks on this one.

Ilasir Maroa · 10-20-2007, 05:56 PM

Mostly on the second to last line.

wheelz1138 · 10-20-2007, 06:14 PM

Thanks for the suggestions on line breaks. I just edited the poem to hopefully work better.

Baron · 10-20-2007, 06:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wheelz1138

Disclaimer:

possibly disturbing visuals

Deep scarlet draining slowly away.
Rough and deliberate movement, like a train.
Found nearby are helium and flowers.
Feeling dizzy,
and cold! oh, so cold.
Voices, soft but firm...
Everything will be all right.

The drifting sounds of pings and whistles.
Fading to black.

Awake now.
And there is the sun.
It's warmth and light cutting through the dark. I'd suggest removing this and then breaking after light.
The healing is complete.

wheelz1138 · 10-20-2007, 07:21 PM

thanks Baron... your suggestion makes sense to me and I've edited to include the change

(a quick note to everyone as well - this thread was the first time I wrote this poem, so the edits I'm making here are it's first ever also)

Baron · 10-20-2007, 07:34 PM

I think that it works much better this way. Good poem.

Damian_Rucci · 10-21-2007, 09:03 PM

Very nice, I like it very descriptive, one of those poems that actually forms an image when you read it. Great job!

Eiji Tunsinagi · 10-22-2007, 09:33 AM

This was...interesting. I think I liked it. I don't agree with some of the line breaks, but I seem to be wrong about those things quite a bit.

wheelz1138 · 11-23-2007, 06:47 PM

Author's Note:

I rewrote and significantly revised my original post. I'd appreciate new feedback.

Autumn · 11-26-2007, 06:06 AM

read this first time round, meaning to come back to it, only to find it very changed.... 2nd edit comes accross to me as a clear, strong read of a mindscape
typicaly, i now hanker after the 1st version, looking through baron's reply, i rather liked the extra images and more human/vulnerable tones of voice- the 'fading to black' and warmth from an awakening sun created a totaly different picture for me which fused opposites and reached out through the window...

Pete_C · 11-26-2007, 06:17 AM

I found this cold and disjointed. I think I understand where its going, but I'm not 100 per cent. However, it doesn't grab me enough to make me care. It's a shame because between the first and second draft something went missing.

ieuan · 11-26-2007, 06:23 AM

Baron did a marvellous job with a very ordinary stab at poetry, his needle like inciseness saved it from the pit.

regards

Ieuan

Baron · 11-26-2007, 07:53 AM

I think that you ought to take this back a step and that seems to be a concensus view.

vangoghsear · 11-26-2007, 09:11 AM

The only thing that bugs me about this is the last line. In my mind, regaining consciousness means the healing has begun, not is complete.

There is a lot of good poetry in this.

Hope you don't mind, I took liberties with the version below. Use or discard as you choose:

Quote:

Deep scarlet
draining slowly away.
Rough and deliberate
movement, like a train.

helium
and flowers.

Feeling dizzy,
cold! oh, so cold.
Voices, soft but firm...
Everything will be all right.

pings and whistles.
Fading.

There is the sun.
warm light cutting through.
Healing.