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Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc.

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Old 10-20-2007, 07:59 AM   #1
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Warmth's complexity (Does it flow better now?)

Warmth’s Complexity

things are simple again

no leaves on the trees
no dog rosé or elderflower
to fill the hedges
no high verges to hem me in.

only the frosty ploughed fields
and the sun's cold crisp light
share with me your departure

Last edited by Firebird : 10-20-2007 at 08:09 AM.
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Old 10-20-2007, 12:13 PM   #2
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The question in the title suggests that this has been posted before and editted. If that's the case it would be good to add a link to the original post so that people can answer your question. With so much work flowing through this forum people are not necessarily going to just remember the original unless it's a truly memorable poem.
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Old 10-20-2007, 01:55 PM   #3
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I like the final stanza, but the 2nd felt strangely unnatural - I am not sure why...I think it might be because of the last line of the stanza...I did like the first simple line though.
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Old 10-20-2007, 02:23 PM   #4
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Thanks

Warmth’s Complexity

things are simple again

no leaves on the trees, no dog
rosé or elderflower
to fill the hedges, no high
verges to hem me in

only the frosty ploughed fields
and the sun's cold crisp light
share with me your departure




Thanks for the info Baron (The warmth of complexity ). Thanks Eiji Tunsinagi. Do you think the above works any better?

Best,

Firebird

Last edited by Firebird : 10-20-2007 at 02:25 PM.
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Old 10-20-2007, 02:39 PM   #5
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I think that you need to look at line breaks.

Quote:
no leaves on the trees,
no dog rosé
or elderflower to fill the hedges,
no high verges to hem me in
This is just an idea.
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