Sasha

Hey, just new to these forums.
I wouldn't consider myself a poet, to be honest i feel daunted by everyone here's ability-but i thought id post some of my stuff up here anyway.

Meeting Place

Where will you go,
When the grief gets too much to bear?
Tell me, and I will meet you there.
When Death's cold hand has led him away
and all you have left are the realms of despair
Please just tell me, and I will meet you there.
When the visitors fade, the curtains no longer drawn
When you can finally utter the words
"And now he is gone."
Look not on your saddness as the grim's waiting room
Do not cry out in your darkness and your gloom,
Give me your load, I will carry your cross
and you will see that I can feel it too, I can care
Just tell me where.
I will meet you there.

huni

Don't feel daunted Sasha- post away. And welcome.

Where will you go,
When the grief gets too much to bear? (This line is trite, cliche, I'd drop it)
Tell me, and I will meet you there. (something about this line I like)
When Death's cold hand has led him away (this also cliche)
and all you have left are the realms of despair
Please just tell me, and I will meet you there.
When the visitors fade, the curtains no longer drawn
When you can finally utter the words
"And now he is gone."
Look not on your sadness as the grim's waiting room (look not on=old fashioned. The rest is not clear)
Do not cry out in your darkness and your gloom,
Give me your load, I will carry your cross (these two lines don't grab my attention or sympathy, I know what you mean but this is a poem, not a letter telling a friend you are there for them.)
and you will see that I can feel it too, I can care (ditto)
Just tell me where.
I will meet you there. (I really like this part in your poem Sasha and think you could make something of this)

You have chosen a difficult subject (death and the grief and need for succor that comes at those times) and it's hard to do without sounding like a sympathy card or cliche, so I respect your attempt. Some real images can be useful here to engage the reader and make them feel some emotion. At the risk of seeming braggy I will put a poem of mine here to show how images help to show feeling with out having to tell the reader what feeling to have. I won't clutter up your thread but here is a link if you wish to check it out. Up to you. regards huni

http://www.writingforums.com/poetry/...show-over.html

__________________
each time we see the face ...it is our own ideas of him which we recognize. Proust

Jaguar

Huni has done an exceptional job in fixing it up, there nothing I could add. But like Huni said, don't feel daunted. We all had to start somewhere. Good work.

Eiji Tunsinagi

Huni is right about focusing on images or a scenario that alludes to the subject of death - this can be a much easier, realistic and more introspective way of touching on the subject.

__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."

"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"