Writers Forum - WritingForums.com Home Rules FAQ Members Groups Calendar Gallery Search
» Sign Up «

Welcome to Writing Forums, one of the fastest growing writing communties on the web.

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest which gives you limited access to view most discussions, articles and photo galleries. By joining our free community you will be able to talk with other writers, get feedback on your work to improve your writing skills, discuss ideas, share tips & tricks, network and make friends!

Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free so please, join our community today!

If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact support.
  Search Forums
Lit.Org - Bootcamp for writers. Post your work and other writers review it, it's that easy.

Advanced Search



Go Back   Writers Forum - WritingForums.com > Creativity > Poetry
Register FAQ Members List Calendar Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc.

Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 10-20-2007, 03:43 PM   #16
Writing Machine
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,994
Eiji Tunsinagi is an unknown quantity at this point
Thanks Pale and Cinder. I actually didn't want it to be too weird, but I guess I'm OK with it.
__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."

"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"
Eiji Tunsinagi is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-20-2007, 06:54 PM   #17
Addict
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: On the dark side of the moon, or Canada
Gender: Male
Posts: 156
The Cloaked Stranger is on a distinguished road
I'm fascinated by this -- the tone and rhythm grab me, as does the description. My only problem is unravelling the poem to what's really happening, and maybe that's just me.

Undressing her
skin first
it peels in curls --- here I think it's just a dressmaker dummy
around my bare feet

shaves of gold --- and just made of wood, that you're cutting off?
dusts the brown
hardwood

so now, she is simple
a skeleton
hanging in a red
blouse

some silent find at ---- and I think this is about the blouse?
the end of mother's cabinet
laying it out on the bed
the silk between

my fingers...
against the bone
pencil markings
- measurements---- so I'm still thinking it's a dummy
where cartilage should be

long silver pins
hold the red
against her white wash coat

shining
noonlight billows
through the thin
curtains caught in breeze

I marvel
at my own ingenious
design, this dress -

Forget
the eyes ears nose ------ and then right here I get mixed up
soul jumbled
in the pan
in the corner
this afternoon

I am God
hemming her
as I please
__________________


The noonlight curtain part is sumptuous, and I love te last three lines, but I can't sort out whether you're dissecting a person or just playing with a doll/dummy, but if it is a dummy the part with the pan doesn't really work somehow. Am I missing something?
__________________
check out my novel: www.nomananisland.wordpress.com I'd appreciate critiques/comments.
The Cloaked Stranger is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-20-2007, 08:39 PM   #18
Writing Machine
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,994
Eiji Tunsinagi is an unknown quantity at this point
It's totally surreal. It is real...and it isn't real. Sort of. I like the openness.
__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."

"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"
Eiji Tunsinagi is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 02:53 AM.
Powered by vBulletin, Copyright ©2000-2007, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
LinkBacks Enabled by vBSEO 3.1.0


 
You are NOT Logged In.
User Name:

Password



Newsletter

Subscribe to Majestic
the official newsletter of Writing Forums and lit.org
Email:


Related Links

Link to Us:
Writing Forums - Discussions for Writers