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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
10-19-2007, 05:24 AM
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#1
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Peterborough, Canada
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,916
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she fed me black liquorice
She fed me black liquorice,
the salty kind.
It clung to the roof of my mouth.
and tore at the backs of my eyes.
She toasted me with heady beer
brewed by cheery monks
in ancient convivial halls.
Her berries were sweet beyond telling.
Their crushed seeds live yet,
as sassy vines that tickle the linings
of my groin.
She fed me her fish.
Grilled salmon,
embossed with crunchy claw stripes;
sweet hot pink flesh,
scattered o'er with coarse pepper
that explodes between your teeth.
Warm fingers of golden fries
on the side, dipped an inch,
or further, into spiced garlic mayonnaise.
And then, there were the pomegranates.
The pomegranates.
Oh. Don’t get me started.
She fed me black liquorice.
She fed me her love
peeled from her heart in thin strips
dropped sizzling
one by one
onto my wide and waiting tongue.
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10-19-2007, 07:25 AM
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#2
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 288
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I can sense the feeling at this, it didn't quite grab me at first but grew on me. I like the last stanza a lot. Except for the tongue part on the last line. Its impressive.
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10-19-2007, 09:01 AM
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#3
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,994
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Why didn't you enter this piece in the Poetic Challenge?? Anyway, the 1st stanza was OK, the 2nd good, and the 3rd fantastic. I love the last line of S2.
__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."
"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"
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10-19-2007, 04:19 PM
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#4
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: USA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,240
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Sounds like a trip to the wine country. Very nice. Beauty in the details in this.
__________________
If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.  
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10-19-2007, 07:35 PM
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#5
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: AmbientArtists
Gender: Private
Posts: 3,693
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Perhaps this poem should refrain from asking for critiques until the Challnge is over.
__________________
My hopeful book:
Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!
"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."
www.theoddvillepress.com
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10-19-2007, 07:51 PM
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#6
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Moderator
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Southwestern Pennsylvania
Gender: Female
Posts: 4,279
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Perhaps he should...but I have to say it's marvelous. This is the elusive feeling that Eiji was talking about in another thread, I think. Savagely sensual. Read it twice now and I'll read it again...
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If the staff were bent on policing your thoughts there would be nothing but a smoking hole where the debate forum used to be.
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10-19-2007, 10:02 PM
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#7
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Writing Machine
Join Date: May 2004
Posts: 1,741
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Hi JR. Wow. Remember our first ones on here. A lovely image filled poem. Why the archaic "over". And don't claim age - that patently is not going to work with me : )
"And then, there were the pomegranates.
The pomegranates.
Oh. Don’t get me started." Like to see this tightened, maybe something like -
And then, the pomegranates.
Oh. Don’t get me started on them.
lovely poem - lovely to read you again, h
__________________
each time we see the face ...it is our own ideas of him which we recognize. Proust
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10-19-2007, 10:06 PM
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#8
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Writing Machine
Join Date: May 2004
Posts: 1,741
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Oh, JR - had you thought about putting the whole thing in the present tense. I wonder if it would feel richer with a certain immediacy? Remember the mangoes one? Changing from past to present and first person to third did the trick I think. Just a thought. h
__________________
each time we see the face ...it is our own ideas of him which we recognize. Proust
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10-19-2007, 10:12 PM
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#9
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Peterborough, Canada
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,916
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oops. someone suggested I put this in the competition, but I guess I screwed up. I'll take it out.
Thanks all for commenting.
Yes, huni, I do remember. 'o'er's' romantic, and I like the sound of it. But it is an anachronsim, I suppose.
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10-19-2007, 10:13 PM
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#10
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Peterborough, Canada
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,916
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huni:
oh. the mangoes.
don't get me started on them.
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10-19-2007, 10:35 PM
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#11
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,911
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Quote:
Originally Posted by J.R. MacLean
oops. someone suggested I put this in the competition, but I guess I screwed up. I'll take it out.
Thanks all for commenting.
Yes, huni, I do remember. 'o'er's' romantic, and I like the sound of it. But it is an anachronsim, I suppose.
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We had a similar problem with the last challenge when another author posted his poem for critique after having entered it in the challenge. As this is really a bit of fun with no hard and fast rules I have no problem with the poem staying in. |
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