A Walk Home With DISCORDIA - Writers Forum

Amara-J · 10-19-2007, 06:16 AM

~DISCORDIA, goddess of thievery, snatching away my
time and thoughts; yet I've always stayed by your shrine,
a worshipper contented with listening to false whispers.~

<interlude.>

[Nine to nine isn't so bad, because work banishes
whimsies of street artists, lounge singers who own
glass jars empty of pennies, instead of bank accounts.
Adapting to attitude is simple, it's all in my head.
"Just a drop in the ocean of white collars, black bags.
If you're like everyone else, you'll get used to this."]

Beautiful dreams are passing fancies, given how
fast they fade away into the realities of life;

[Leaving work quickly, to avoid the mad rush of
Friday night citizens streaming towards bars,
karaoke centers, parks, malls, and cinemas.
Distractions lack substance, slowly melting eye candy.
"Won't you join us? No? You don't have time?
Well, go on back home, but you'll be missed."]

Fun is fleeting, compared to the comforts of
a civilized life safe behind four walls and a roof;

[Down the street, a familiar face invites
closed fists and quickened footsteps, so different
from the open arms and warm hugs of long ago.
Time and distance distort, my greetings made formal.
"You don't remember me? We were buddies at school.
I guess it's easy to forget, after so many years."]

Old friends kept at memory's length, making sure
they'll smile frozenly forever in yellowing photos;

[Card in the mailbox, invoking old memories
which I'll throw away and pretend that I don't
care if one of the monogrammed names isn't mine.
Moving on is a delicate dance, I'm out of practice.
"The wedding's next week. I know it's hard.
But I'll appreciate it, if you would come."]

Better for broken hearts to stay unmended than
the fresh pain of forgetting - and forgiving;

[Glimmering stars ahead, spread across a vast
universe, die out one by one in the wake of
a picket fence and flourescent porch lights.
White envelops white, for me a mourning shroud.
"I hear you whispering to me as I walk in, but -
DISCORDIA, what do you mean by welcome home?"

Doctrine demands obedience, no questions asked
for fear of empty promises and answers at end.

[Lights off and thermostat low, huddled in
pillows and blankets at the end of an endless day,
shivering in the self-enforced cold and dark.
With exile comes enlightenment, never pleasant.
"DISCORDIA, I've always believed in you.
Once, you gave me comfort, but not anymore."]

It is enough to think one has everything, even when
broken, alone, and the world has left one behind.

<interlude.>

~Yes, I once believed you; but now I see the
truth of your lies, and this house of yours is
nothing but a crumbling ruin of unswept cobwebs.~

~Long ago, when I was drawn in by your lures
of memories and regrets, I remained trapped; but
tonight I break free, and bid you my goodbyes.~

~DISCORDIA, farewell. It's time to move on.~

Olly Buckle · 11-06-2007, 01:30 PM

The same thing I said about picture really, try this
Nine to nine banishes whimsies of
transient itinerants holding empty hats
Three long lines into two short ones, of course they are mine not yours. What you have to say seems worth saying to me, but sooner, shorter.
Dreams, passing fancies, fade into reality

Cran · 11-06-2007, 08:23 PM

Quote:

... and this house of yours is
nothing but a crumbling ruin of unswept cobwebs.

you've seen my house?

not sure why you needed to SHOUT her name, Amara-J ...

but, other than that ... thank you for an excellent read ...

I think tightening the piece would make it too stark, too spare -
as it is, there is the natural flow of one's thoughts ...
an audience of one, removed even from self, as the great play
unfolds elsewhere on the outside ...

Kimbro · 11-06-2007, 09:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amara-J

"I hear you whispering to as I walk in, but -
DISCORDIA, what do you mean by welcome home?"

.~

Really love this poem.

Only a bit of trouble understading this line.

Should it be:
"I hear you whispering to me as I walk in,

Or
"I hear you whispering too as I walk in,

Or am I missing something.

Amara-J · 11-07-2007, 03:36 AM

Thanks for comments and suggestions, everyone.

OilyBuckle: I'll admit I have this problem with brevity. (Evidence: formerly overshooting word limits on high school essays and summary exercises... currently rambling in forums posts and story writing... you get the idea. Old habits die hard.) One of my prime weaknesses in writing; working on it.

Cran: Thanks for the sharp observations on the SHOUTING. For a while, I tried experimenting with the use of bold / italic font, symbols, paragraphing, and capital letters to see if they could add to a poem. No such luck, I guess. After reading comments on a certain poem here (which got ripped apart for an unreadable and gimmicky format), I realized I'd better scratch that plan and concentrate on delivering the content instead. Noted your comments on "Love Is Wherever You Find It", by the way.

Kimbro: Sorry for the omission. The "me" was left out. Fixed.