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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
10-22-2007, 02:45 PM
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#16
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: AmbientArtists
Gender: Private
Posts: 3,753
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1 Changed it but not sure about the new part.
2 Fixed(I think)
3 Fixed
__________________
My hopeful book:
Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!
"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."
www.theoddvillepress.com
Last edited by Ilasir Maroa : 10-22-2007 at 02:52 PM.
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10-22-2007, 03:44 PM
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#17
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,926
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Cut and paste it and mark it "DONE"
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10-22-2007, 04:12 PM
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#18
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Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Tampa,FL, though I long to one day call my birthplace (NYC) home.
Gender: Male
Posts: 23
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Beautiful imagery, and the words flow in this great rhythm that makes it even more interesting. Righteous.
__________________
"The unexamined life is not worth living." -Socrates
"All I ever wanted was to pick apart the day, put the pieces back together my way." -Aesop Rock
"And for a minute there, I lost myself." -Radiohead
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10-22-2007, 06:01 PM
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#19
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: AmbientArtists
Gender: Private
Posts: 3,753
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Well, I never declare a piece "finished." Writing, even poetry, is a never-ending process. However, I think I can say that there aren't any major changes left to be made at this point. Still, I am open to more opinions.
__________________
My hopeful book:
Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!
"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."
www.theoddvillepress.com
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10-22-2007, 06:02 PM
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#20
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Adept Writer
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Goomalling, Western Australia
Gender: Male
Posts: 928
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ilasir Maroa
1 Changed it but not sure about the new part.
2 Fixed(I think)
3 Fixed
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Quote:
I stirred in bed--awoke--[1] to see the leaves [2]
Gone
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[1] See? I don't want to say "I told you so", but ... 
you don't need the dashes, though ...
a simple comma or semicolon between bed and awoke will do it ...
[2] see is no different to find when used without that ...
you cannot see the leaves if there are no leaves to see ...
but you can see that there are no leaves to see ...
__________________
"I don't know ... I'm making it up as I go ..." - Dr I Jones
Nature abhors perfection - cats abhor a vacuum!
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10-22-2007, 06:06 PM
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#21
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: AmbientArtists
Gender: Private
Posts: 3,753
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Case in point, Baron. The poets piece is never done.
Cran, I'll get rid of te dashes... but can I foist the other objection off on poetic license? Please????? NO?
Oh, well... I'll try to fix it. *sigh*
__________________
My hopeful book:
Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!
"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."
www.theoddvillepress.com
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10-22-2007, 06:26 PM
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#22
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Adept Writer
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Goomalling, Western Australia
Gender: Male
Posts: 928
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Hey, Ilasir, it's your poem -
you can do with it as you see fit ...
and what I don't know about poetry would fill libraries ...
__________________
"I don't know ... I'm making it up as I go ..." - Dr I Jones
Nature abhors perfection - cats abhor a vacuum!
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10-22-2007, 06:27 PM
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#23
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: AmbientArtists
Gender: Private
Posts: 3,753
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Cop-out...
__________________
My hopeful book:
Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!
"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."
www.theoddvillepress.com
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10-22-2007, 06:43 PM
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#24
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Adept Writer
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Goomalling, Western Australia
Gender: Male
Posts: 928
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 ... who? ... me?
this one's a "keeper" ... well done, Ilasir ...
__________________
"I don't know ... I'm making it up as I go ..." - Dr I Jones
Nature abhors perfection - cats abhor a vacuum!
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10-22-2007, 07:30 PM
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#25
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: AmbientArtists
Gender: Private
Posts: 3,753
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lol, thanks Cran.
__________________
My hopeful book:
Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!
"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."
www.theoddvillepress.com
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