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I really liked this Foxee, I voted for it. Your imagery is unique and creative "dry puppy leaves" is evocative of their motion and brings me right in mind of the scene.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Foxee
Their full flavor is best frost-nipped
gentle breeze branch symphony
syncopated percussion in deep grass (Sound, taste, feel, all covered nicely here)
His hands, spotted like their skin
red bucket by his khaki knee
patient gathering all eighty years (Sight covered nicely here)
Good eating only a knife-blade away sweet and rotten separated by
a slice of life lived fully (hidden meaning implied or at least inferred by me)
(1st three stanzas are marvelous)
She’s rolling dough in the kitchen
smiles grooved into her eyes
bitter histories mellowed by time (not too sure about this stanza, how it fits with the rest of the poem)
He would swing the bucket like a boy
dry puppy leaves chase him
carrying their sinful windfall home. (Sinful? Still evocative and well written stanza, just wondering why sinful?)
V.G. Kemerer 2007
****
Curious to see what critiques on this might be like.
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It reads slightly jerky. But some quite good lines. I've read it a few times now, and it grows each read.
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"He was over at our house struggling with a poem he could not finish, so I took him upstairs and gave him sex. He came down and finished that verse in twenty-five minutes."
A great poem for autumn indeed. I've been working in the country, at times have parked under an apple tree, and have heard those syncopated thumps on my roof.
'sinful' works for me as a wee biblical reference
one morning I gathered a bagful of the apples and fed them to the horses...
the only thing missing, which I remember, is the lovely cidery smell around the tree.
nice work Foxee, your writing has really developed
Sorry I've taken so long to respond! Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment, I appreciate that!
I'm a little surprised that 'sinful' got all the attention when I thought that 'patient' vs 'patiently' would hog the attention.
J.R. MacLean caught the slight biblical reference of sinful since apples are often depicted as the fruit that Adam and Eve ate. It also simply underlines how good apples are. (This pie is sinfully good, too bad you aren't here to have a piece.) And, finally, I liked how it sounded with 'windfall'.
vangoghsear: Thanks for voting for it and for a nice critique of it! When you mention a hidden meaning, yes, well, the poem is not just about apples.
It is a comparison between my grandparents and the apples. I wanted it to be in the poem but not in such an obvious way as to weary anyone with my attempt.
Sweet and rotten moments in life are just as close as parts of an apple. It hurts to excise the bad and doesn't make the good any less worthwhile. More specifically, my grandfather (the 'patient gathering...') is both a patient man due to his age (and has been diagnosed with cancer which he is opting not to have treated. This last bit I don't expect the reader to know...but it fits as a level of depth for me, knowing.
The fourth stanza moves the reader from the orchard to the kitchen so that I can include both grandparents (and the destiny of the apples for a pie) so I can see where it might lose a reader a bit.
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. That's exactly what I was hoping for.
SteMcGrath: I went back and read it over and you're right about the slight jerkiness. I'll have to watch that. It's very flattering that you've read it more than once and are still getting more out of it. I don't think there's a higher compliment than that.
Baron: LOL, I thought of that! I think the discussion is overripe already. And by the looks of the entries you're already getting I don't think it would fit in.
Eiji Tunsinagi: Yes, Cran did a delightful job. Thanks for your comments.
Thoth: You picked out another of my favorite parts. I'm glad you enjoyed it and I appreciate your comments.
J.R. MacLean: Your work in the country sounds nice and I don't even know what you're doing. Being in the country is enough to make me happy. You're right! I think I missed a sense with the cidery smell. If I do rework any of this it would be to give the poem that sense as well. Thank you for the compliment. That means a lot coming from someone who has such a deft touch for poetry.
Mallignamius: I know, I know...but then I would have had to change the title to The Orchard Shooting or Blood, Sex, and Apple Pie or something and I really liked my title. So I had to write nice.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mallignamius
"gentle breeze branch symphony"
Wow.
SteMcGrath is right. This is the kind of poem that sinks in over time. Which is appropriate given the season it expresses.
Thanks! If this is the case maybe I struck a decent balance between obscuring some meanings and revealing truth...but I don't know. That was the hardest part.
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Well, this was my second favourite poem after Pete's. It's actually my favourite technical poem and I love the way you sew the images, brilliant.
Just a guess, is the "sinful" to do with the garden of Eve and the taking and eating of the apple? I could be wrong but I think you've gone for a biblical image there.
I didn't get the biblical reference to sinful because I had linked it with the double meaning earlier. I thought maybe there was something more of a back story between the two than the usual bitter bickering over time. I like the actual reference better than what I suspected. It's still my vote, good before, but better for the explanations.
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Well, this was my second favourite poem after Pete's. It's actually my favourite technical poem and I love the way you sew the images, brilliant.
Thanks! You just made my day.
Quote:
Just a guess, is the "sinful" to do with the garden of Eve and the taking and eating of the apple? I could be wrong but I think you've gone for a biblical image there.
You're at least half right. Read the first spoiler in my post above. The second spoiler is more explanation of the poem, too.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mallignamius
Blood, Sex, and Apple Pie. That's perfect! Girl, grab your pen and dance those fingers!
eek! I dunno...it's an intriguing thought! Maybe I'll try it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Eiji Tunsinagi
LOL Sounds like a Quintin Tarantino movie.
Yikes. I think I'd go for something a little less...eh...gross?
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I am so sorry I somehow missed this poem in the challenge foxee. Long threads do that to me. It is such a wonderful poem. I have read it a number of times and find the images so good. It reminds me of WC Williams poems that someone here put me onto a while back. I would remove Khaki form the poem. Unless his knee is khaki. lol Or add clad, but that sounds clumsy. Another word or none? Just knee. Whatever, I love it heaps. huni
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