female_writer

You followed my ribbons all the way home
Catching the sparks in a paper cup

Reminding me everyone is made of light
But my shadow was heavy enough to touch

Existing in a place barely surreal
Where the horizon turned shades of blue and black

Settling for a vicarious existance
Loving each other on a sidewalk cracks

It paved our way through syntax error
As white picket fences looked to the west

Exhaled together but no relief
A hint of suspense in southern breath

Strummed the golden harp
Till we were cut by broken strings

Covered our eyes and unsalted tears
Prepared for disdain and unfinished things

He played taps for me on a november day
It echoed of worlds and distant ages

Everything pertained to this demise
Never to be written, our crestfallen pages.

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So subtly is the fume of life designed
To clairfy the pulse and cloud the mind
And leave me once again undone, possessed.

- Edna St. Vincent Millay

SteMcGrath

I'm not sure about the layout of the stanzas. I do like the last one though.

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"He was over at our house struggling with a poem he could not finish, so I took him upstairs and gave him sex. He came down and finished that verse in twenty-five minutes."

Eiji Tunsinagi

I see you kind of posted this twice...well, I like both of them.

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"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."

"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"

female_writer

Sorry for the double post, my pc is possesed today.

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So subtly is the fume of life designed
To clairfy the pulse and cloud the mind
And leave me once again undone, possessed.

- Edna St. Vincent Millay

Baron

There's a good feel here, wistful melancholy. The rhythm falters and I think that a little tweaking to balance it out would improve this piece a lot.

example: the first line could be "reminded me that all are made of light" 10

Alternatively you could experiment a little with line breaks.

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vangoghsear

I like the thoughtful ideas being expressed in this. A little tweaking and it could be very good.

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If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.

The Cloaked Stranger

The tone is so rich I feel like I'm talking a walk to see the sunset on a crisp autumn day, like this poem evokes a whole story deep in the mind. And I loved the opening two lines.

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check out my novel: www.nomananisland.wordpress.com I'd appreciate critiques/comments.

Amara-J

I like the overall feel of the poem; melancholy but descriptive. My kind of poem. Just a few notes though, if you don't mind:

It paved our way through syntax error
As white picket fences looked to the west

This line was jarring for me, when compared with the previous and following lines. I notice that other lines, save for the first and last two (which are okay when put into context) begin with words like "Reminding" / "Existing" / "Settling" / .... / "Exhaled" / "Covered" / "Strummed" etc. All opening words which serve to remind the reader that the speaker, and the "You" (the person for whom the poem is intended) did something together, or relate to each other in some way. As a result, I think the abovesaid line is discordant -

Unless, which I just realized, you're referring to the "sidewalk cracks" in the line before, and the use of the word "It" denotes continuity. In which case, I think that (and this is purely personal opinion), it could be rewritten like this:

Settling for a vicarious existance
Loving each other on a sidewalk cracks -

Which paved our way through syntax error
As white picket fences looked to the west -

Exhaled together but no relief
A hint of suspense in southern breath

which would denote a slight break in the train of thought, but less jarring IMHO. The dashes are there to separate that line from the others, and gently set the rest of the poem back to its original course.

These are all just suggestions. If I'm nitpicking or have missed the point, I apologize. Do let me know.