O. Imaddrine

I watched you waiting on me
On our favorite bench in the park
And I saw you dreaming
About the girl I could never be
That's when it hit me
That you would never get me
And I couldn't change myself anymore
Couldn't change myself anymore

You wouldn't change for me
But I would never ask
The unsteady foundation
Of a thing that couldn't last
The pain of a thousand needles on my spine
The tears that sting, but they are mine
The only thing that is mine right now

They're not fake
No, they're not fake
But I am, and you are
And that's all I know
So I just turn
And walk out on this tragic show

And suddenly
Our favorite bench becomes the bench
I hate most
Haunted by a plastic ghost

vangoghsear

This poem is all about wording. It works for me because of the two highlighted phrases above.

The first one tells me your loss, your frustration, his lack of understanding, and just says to me the most difficult thing about love: you can't make someone love you, they either will or they won't. It is out of our control.

The second one brings it personal. Ownership (it is mine) reminds us that others have real feelings too.

Some may view this as a typical Emo angst poem, I see stronger observation of life here and that is what good poetry is about.

__________________
If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.

Mer de Nuit

I really like it, in particular my favorite stanza was the last one. You really captured the feeling of betrayal, for lack of a better word, in a relationship. Cheers, J.E.

__________________
"The unexamined life is not worth living." -Socrates

"All I ever wanted was to pick apart the day, put the pieces back together my way." -Aesop Rock

"And for a minute there, I lost myself." -Radiohead

O. Imaddrine

Thanks for the feed back! It's not about betrayal, per se, but rather an illusion or a miscommunication of things really. There was an idea of me, or what I was expected to be that he was in love with. I guess I tried to change to make him happy, but I couldn't do it...that's just not me.

cinder and smoke

When I read this all I could think about was PUT THIS TO MUSIC!

This sounds like a song instead of a poem. It just has that feel to me.

__________________
"The vivid tulips eat my oxygen."
-Plath

O. Imaddrine

Ya know sometimes, I get that same feel about a lot of my stuff. I have put some of my stuff to music, maybe I'll post some of it in a lyrics thread...thanks for the feedback

DoctorBadAss

This is a delight to read. I definitely agree that it has song/lyrical feel to it, something I can certainly relate to. It has a good flow to it, good pacing, especially the second stanza. The emotions are rich, vibrant, but they neither beat the reader over the head nor are they too soft-spoken. The last stanza, short as it is, loses some of the rhythm, but this isnt a complaint. Were this put to music, it would be the perfect sort of, how to say it, tapering off of the song I think.

Very nice!

dannyboy

might be fine as a song, its a very weak poem. Overstated emotions and no real use of poetic forms except some rhyme - which reminds me why I am so wary of rhyme. Nines out of ten it weakens the crap out of an idea.

read some of Az's for how Rhyme should be used. It takes hard work and a lot of editing/reworking.