SteMcGrath

Another night out

A blade runs down my face
To open silken skin,
Exposed
A red river meanders, dry
Blood on my lips like love

Musky smells of Indian streets
Permeate my neck,
And I stare
Blankly
At myself as the spice
Stings the river of pain

A lava lake of champagne
Explodes through tight veins
That fastens my wrists
Like chains,
And opens my mouth

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"He was over at our house struggling with a poem he could not finish, so I took him upstairs and gave him sex. He came down and finished that verse in twenty-five minutes."

Eiji Tunsinagi

Woe. I liked this. It made me feel dirty. Blood on my lips like love I stumbled on this line because I think like love felt too suddenly added. But maybe it's better that way?

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"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."

"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"

SteMcGrath

I like that line, it's kind of mocking love. What do you think?

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"He was over at our house struggling with a poem he could not finish, so I took him upstairs and gave him sex. He came down and finished that verse in twenty-five minutes."

Eiji Tunsinagi

I liked the line for that reason, I guess I just wasn't expecting it - which is a good thing. I'd keep it the way it is.

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"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."

"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"

vangoghsear

SteMcGrath, your poems get better and better. Unique images, good ambiguity and surprising feel in this one.

I like it.

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If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.

SteMcGrath

Thanks for comments Van. I've learnt a lot on here.

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"He was over at our house struggling with a poem he could not finish, so I took him upstairs and gave him sex. He came down and finished that verse in twenty-five minutes."

Baron

I think that you should toy a little with the line breaks on this one.

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SteMcGrath

I thought about that before I posted it. I've edited the brakes now. See what you think. Cheers B

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"He was over at our house struggling with a poem he could not finish, so I took him upstairs and gave him sex. He came down and finished that verse in twenty-five minutes."

Baron

Better. I find it a little difficult to relate to the imagery in the last stanza. Champagne bursting from veins doesn't gel for me. (Could have been worse though, might have been strawberries)

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SteMcGrath

'Through' Baron, not 'from'- that'd quite possibly result in death! What is there to 'gel'?

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"He was over at our house struggling with a poem he could not finish, so I took him upstairs and gave him sex. He came down and finished that verse in twenty-five minutes."

Baron

You use the word "explodes" which is what plants the idea of "from" in my head. Perhaps a word such as "courses" might alter the image slightly.

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SteMcGrath

I agree actually, good suggestion. I used the word explodes for the agression. I'm going to think a minute on this.

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"He was over at our house struggling with a poem he could not finish, so I took him upstairs and gave him sex. He came down and finished that verse in twenty-five minutes."

Mermaid on the breakwater

Yep, really good. The flow is perfect; it mirrors the blood trickling down his face and I love it when poets make the metre match the imagery. Yours does it brilliantly.

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Ambiance Artists Anthology: http://www.lulu.com/content/2293077

SteMcGrath

Thankyou mermaid. This was a night out last week that inspired this.

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"He was over at our house struggling with a poem he could not finish, so I took him upstairs and gave him sex. He came down and finished that verse in twenty-five minutes."