vangoghsear

The Year's Eventide
© Vangoghsear 2007

The odor of wet, stirred dry decay
in a rush of air (cooler moving)
is carried away.

The breeze peeks beneath
a tan leaf, then lays it back:
the earth’s worn bed linen.

Nature dons its tattered comforter
knit and stitched by its own self,
shed in variegated layers,
now covering its dormant feet.
An evidence of life,
lying dead.

Autumn, the year’s eventide
when fat squirrels,
under brush and dirt blankets,
hide their bedtime snacks
and tall trees brazenly
discard their summer garments
to stand wrinkled and naked
against the deepening chill.

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Eiji Tunsinagi

Hmm - I like the descriptions here, particularly S1, 2 and 4. 3 is a little confusing but I got the idea. You gave an original take on the season, and you only said Autumn once!

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vangoghsear

LOL yeah. Thanks for the comments ET.

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SteMcGrath

Love the last stanza- very inspiring. Good work Van. Not much else to say.

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L00kbackinanger

I think this is a good poem. Descriptive and interesting similes.

I cannot understand though why you then end the poem with an archaic sounding stanza. Almost as if it is an attempt at writing what you think a poem should be. Words like eventide, why not just evening? And garments, why not just clothes? I think blankets would read better than blanket. Then you revert to normal language, by using "snacks" instead of "breaking the fast" or something similar. Do you need "and" before tall trees - might be better if you replaced the "to" that appears later on with it. Perhaps a deepening chill rather than "the deepening chill".

Contemporary words are the best, for me anyway, otherwise it sounds old-fashioned and stilted. But it boils down to taste really.

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"Automagically the game restarted; by chance a leaf fell at our feet. Brittle and veined with shades of umber. Delicately it crunched, like a shuffled deck."
Jacob Stillmarner, The Melody Of The Lucky Not Good, 1944

vangoghsear

Thanks for the in depth look, L00kbackinanger.

Eventide was not chosen to imitate poetry. 'Evening' did not feel like a long enough time period to me, if that makes any sense? 'Eventide' seemed like it could be an entire season. The word 'Autumn' was a late addition to the phrase, with its inclusion, eventide could possibly become evening.

Garments is a little archaic, but clothes just seemed too related to cloth, which leaves are not. I will think about that one though.

Blanket, I will changes to blankets. I agree it works better.

I actually had 'and' out before tall trees but I didn't like it without it so I put it back.

Yeah, could be a or the in that last phrase. I may rework that stanza a bit. Let's see what others think.

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Baron

A pet hate, parenthesis in rhyme. That aside, this is fairly good but I think will benefit from a little tweak. Garment is still a contemporary word in common usage. The idea of "contemporary" and "archaic" language is irrelevant, it's about what fits the poem and what language you wish to use. Middle English can often have a warmer and more romantic feel. I think it narrow to have a prejudice against language forms. Some might think that poetry started with Bukowski but I quite like reading Coleridge and Shelley.

I think that the main thing on your mind when tightening this shold be the rhythm because you have a good picture and it just needs to be framed properly. One glitch for me is variegated, it just doesn't rol of the tongue well.

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vangoghsear

I like parenthesis. They force the reader to use a different voice in their head (usually lower and softer). I usually require myself to place it more than just once so it appears intentional for that effect. This time I didn't do that.

I used variegated to further the knit and stitched metaphor. Yarn is often sold in skeins of many colors called "variegated yarn," but I'll have a look at the phrase.

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Baron

On the "variegated" issue, just read the stanza aloud and see how easily it rolls off your tongue.

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vangoghsear

My wife is a big time crocheter, and I have heard that word since I was a stock boy stocking yarn at a five and dime and that was a long time ago (let's just say that you could buy something with a nickel or a dime back then).

I'm too close to it to judge. To me it flows easy enough, but like I said, it is a word I am used to.

Anyone else have trouble with that line?

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Mermaid on the breakwater

I had no problems with this. I love the smells as well. You really capture the essence of the season lol. Good stuff. If you'd entered this for the nature competition I'd have voted for it, well, it would have been a toss up between you, Pete and foxee. This one is spot on.

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L00kbackinanger

I can't say I've got any problem with variegated. At least it's a contemporary word.

I must say that I quite like reading Shakespeare and occasionally Dickens. That's not so say I'd read a play or book written in their style by someone else set in this or any other century.

One good way of avoiding that cliched archaic feel is not to use any words in poetry that you wouldn't use in contemporary prose. Forsooth, e'en morn' and so on would sound pretty daft in modern usage and people would think you a twonk to use such language in conversation. Anything that is vaguely gothic sounding can't help but be cliched, especially demons, dragons, vampires and knights.

Of course it's just a taste issue, but most periodicals, magazines and online publishers just won't publish la-di-da archaic rhyme.

Sure for an academic exercise write a sonnet in Olde English, but who, apart from a few crackpots, is really going to get much out of it?

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"Automagically the game restarted; by chance a leaf fell at our feet. Brittle and veined with shades of umber. Delicately it crunched, like a shuffled deck."
Jacob Stillmarner, The Melody Of The Lucky Not Good, 1944

vangoghsear

Mermaid, Foxee and Pete_C entered some great poems. Glad you consider this somewhere in their company.

Forsoothe yon L00kbackinanger, hearest thou my plea.

I respect your comments they seem well thought out and I will give serious thought to changing the more archaic terms, however the poem comes first. Publications can take it or leave it. I need to use the words that in my opinion work best to convey my meaning, even if that means sacrificing some potential audience.

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Baron

I wouldn't worry too much. I've had no problem getting work published using "archaic terms"

On a lighter note neither has this lady and she doesn't worry about what words she uses. Like her or not she's probably made more money out of poetry than anyone living.

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vangoghsear

That is cute.

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If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.