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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
10-17-2007, 10:10 PM
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#1
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,925
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Three Seasons
removed for publishing reasons
Last edited by Baron : 11-08-2007 at 10:04 AM.
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10-17-2007, 10:15 PM
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#2
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,994
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This is the Baron that I like to see. With the very last line where your heart lied - If lied were on it's own line, I think it would carry more weight. I don't know if that works for you, but when I read it that's what I immediately felt appropriate. Anyway, nice take on the seasonal poem. 
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"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."
"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"
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10-17-2007, 10:19 PM
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#3
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: AmbientArtists
Gender: Private
Posts: 3,737
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Liking the end of this more than the beginning. It's a little spare on imagery when you consider the subject.
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My hopeful book:
Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!
"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."
www.theoddvillepress.com
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10-17-2007, 10:37 PM
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#4
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,925
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ilasir Maroa
Liking the end of this more than the beginning. It's a little spare on imagery when you consider the subject.
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I've just done a couple of edits and will probably work a little more on this after I've had some sleep. Thanks for the input. |
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10-17-2007, 10:44 PM
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#5
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: AmbientArtists
Gender: Private
Posts: 3,737
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Likin' this a little better.
__________________
My hopeful book:
Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!
"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."
www.theoddvillepress.com
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10-18-2007, 12:09 AM
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#6
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,925
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ilasir Maroa
Likin' this a little better.
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Thanks for the comment - again  |
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10-18-2007, 01:01 AM
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#7
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Apr 2006
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,302
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Quote:
when leaves of green became gold
and fell to the ground to make a bed
lasting for a moment only
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Loved that part. Loved the last line, too. Good imagery, and even though the theme isn't the most original, your descriptions were different, and I enjoyed it. |
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10-18-2007, 03:55 AM
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#8
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,925
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mandax
Loved that part. Loved the last line, too. Good imagery, and even though the theme isn't the most original, your descriptions were different, and I enjoyed it.
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Thanks for the comment |
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10-18-2007, 08:17 AM
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#9
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Best Seller
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Birmingham, England
Gender: Male
Posts: 502
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I love some of the lines Baron. The second half of the poem did it for me. Despite the character description resembling me. lol. Good work Baron, although I've seen a few posts like this from you, I'm always suprised when I see them.
P.s I'd make 'lied' on it's own too.
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"He was over at our house struggling with a poem he could not finish, so I took him upstairs and gave him sex. He came down and finished that verse in twenty-five minutes."
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10-18-2007, 08:17 AM
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#10
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
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I like the flow of this revision more.
__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."
"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"
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10-18-2007, 08:38 AM
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#11
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: USA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,240
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I just saw this this morning. Very nice. I really like the last line. Not sure if I would like 'lied' better separated or the way it is.
I just posted a poem I wrote yesterday afternoon that has some of the leaf bed imagery as well. A lot different than this one though. Tis the season I guess.
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If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.  
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10-18-2007, 12:36 PM
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#12
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,925
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vangoghsear
I just saw this this morning. Very nice. I really like the last line. Not sure if I would like 'lied' better separated or the way it is.
I just posted a poem I wrote yesterday afternoon that has some of the leaf bed imagery as well. A lot different than this one though. Tis the season I guess.
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Don't worry, I won't accuse you of plagiarism. 
Thanks for the input. |
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10-18-2007, 02:58 PM
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#13
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: USA
Gender: Male
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Baron
Don't worry, I won't accuse you of plagiarism.
Thanks for the input. |
I saw this after I posted mine, so I quickly looked at the date you first posted it. [-o< Darn! You got yours in first.   Oh well. They're plenty different.
__________________
If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.
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10-18-2007, 03:20 PM
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#14
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,925
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Do you know how many songs have been written with the title "Power of Love"?
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10-18-2007, 07:16 PM
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#15
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,994
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Baron
Do you know how many songs have been written with the title "Power of Love"?
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453. Not including the one for Back to the Future 2...Or was it 1?
Back to the poem....
__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."
"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"
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