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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
10-17-2007, 09:07 PM
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#1
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Addict
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Hiding!
Posts: 134
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The Ode of Berg
I know, i'm crazy for writing an epic, but they have rather intrigued me  . Now, I present the first, short part of the Ode of Berg, an epic with magic, heroism, war, all that epic stuff...set in the twenty first century. More of the actual story will be revealed in the next posts, as is normal for epics.
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Sing, O muse, of that tragic tale. Recite of that sorrow,
One that would befall such a man as Gregory Berg, Hero
Of the Scorched Sands. Of quest, and ancient relic,
Of war, and treachery. That of the great man, whom
fought a thousand battles, lost a million friends, and
journeyed the path no man shall speak. Yes, yes, muse,
tell us of this.
It was of that late twenty first century, one where nations ruled,
Corrupted and dark. One where men starved, unwanted, unseen.
And in this world, was a single man, his name said only with respect.
The man, by the name of Berg, who sacrificed all in that he would
Redeem his nation’s glory.
And as he made his way down the black, Syrian path,
He prepared to do just that, fighting tyranny and evil wrath.
His death-spitting construct hung by his side, dangling and prepared
For a roar that brought all, small creature, great beast, all scared.
His arms set ready, his mind angered by intruding evil.
What had come to stay his path?
“Come forth beast, and show your face that I might smite you and send
You to Hades, along with the rest of your kin.” called Berg, sensing evil eye
And raised hair, burning to his back. “Where do you hide, for ‘tis your time to die!
He finished. His words did resonate, across the trees and through the
Great Syrian valley, upon the tips of the mountain peaks, and to the ears
Of fell beast. Great monster stepped from the shadow at last, showing
His sinister form. His eyes, midnight dark, cast fear into the wild around him.
Beast, A disgusting form of man and wolf, growled and opened its maw,
“O Hero of lands beyond, retreat you must, as you cannot tame my rending claw.
So, flee in terror, your single choice, lest I drink your blood this night!”
The horror smiled, drool lining said jaw, for horror underestimated hero’s might.
“Go back, Fergon-beast, to whatever foul realm you cometh! Shall I take
Your head?” said he, retorting, never fearing beast’s evil dialogue.
When no response he received, hero’s hand penetrated the smog,
blade in it’s grip. “Fergon, I come to banish you to the god-relic from
which you came, to strip that relic from the treacherous thumb
of my once friend Lyrus. Do you choose to defy my will?”
Berg challenged. Beast growled, preparing his next kill.
“Puny mortal, you understand not my prowess. Ready yourself
For end!” And so terrible beast, mighty hero, clashed in the dark
Of the Syrian night, cold wind lashing their skins, one accept stark
Fate. Biting bullet cut cool beast’s blood in great spouts, accepting task
that was theirs. Great battle waged, as warriors likeness’ became masks
of gore. Bloodied blade sliced into deep skin. Dark claw mauled clean flesh.
“Stay back, creature, for the battle is mine!” Ordered Berg,
Inside his cage of ignorance, caught. “Why do you fight
On as I tear life from your earthly body? What light,
What illusion is being played here?”
“Your speech, dramatic though is, is futile mortal.
My strength doubles yours,” Fergon did chortle.
“My powers, god-given, outmatch your will,
your brawn. I have the upper hand! You have not the skill!”
The two mighty combatants traded blows in unison.
With a breath, Berg stumbled back. His mind did decide,
A plan was made. “Truly, you are victorious, I turn my side!
Your ability outmatches mine, strength greatly!” called he.
Beast did smile, relishing in victory. “A gift, I will
if spare you my life!” Evil beast became intrigued, drowned
in greed. With a hand, hero offered his death-spitter. Beast frowned.
Tricked, he would not be.
“Why do you attempt this foolery of me? You take me
For and idiot, a simple minded fool? I will kill you with glee!”
Fergon did roar in anger as he struck. Bewildered hero could
not react, thrown asunder and cast to the bushes. Daze overtook
brave hero, head battered, leg shattered, body suddenly shook.
As vision faded, beast making final approach, hero did
recount his great tale, his journey for the great artifact, stolen,
retrieved, and stolen again. Of how he fought, over four countries
to find said artifact and exact revenge on treacherous friend. And so,
as vision died away, the tale only began.
Last edited by pabs : 10-18-2007 at 05:54 PM.
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10-18-2007, 06:39 AM
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#2
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Addict
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Hiding!
Posts: 134
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Any comments? Critic?
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10-18-2007, 08:19 AM
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#3
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: USA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,240
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Although long, not a bad read. My only recommendation concerns the epics actual introduction.
Quote:
Sing, O muse, of that tragic tale. Recite of that sorrow,
One that would befall such a man as Gregory Berg, Hero
Of the Scorched Sands. Of quest, and ancient relic,
Of war, and treachery. That of the humble man
for he would not boast, but many would say great man,
whom fought a thousand battles, lost a million friends, and
journeyed the path no man shall speak. Yes, yes, muse,
tell us of this.
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The hyperbole, which is necessary for the epic style I guess, gives the reader something to look at and say "Oh yeah, says who? Sure he does." Instead of being with the character they will be against him, challenging you to write up to that expectation, or above it.
Make us like him first, possibly with a line like I added above in bold. Then tell us his unbelievable accomplishments. We will be more willing to accept them then.
In all, not bad though. Very ambitious.
__________________
If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right. 
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10-18-2007, 08:29 AM
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#4
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,994
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Even though I feel we are thrown into the story too quickly (and not much is explained of the backstory) I am a sucker for epic poems. They're just so epic. That being said, I do think this can be improved...and actually made to be more epic.
I feel allot of the sequences, particularly in the beginning, just ran through the information too quickly - about who he is, what the state of the world is etc -- And though epic poems have this characteristic (of making themselves epic by putting large things on a small and quick scale) I believe it would be much more interesting a style and assist us in putting more stock in his character if you show some specific scenes....
And maybe explain what's with the random giant beast he's going to go fight.
There were some cliche phrases thrown in this piece, and the beginning was a little bit bland in the storytelling department...but this is only the first go 'round. It will be improved.
Some say epic poems have no place in modern society, and I think that's wrong. We need someone to come and write some classically inspired epic poems...but for anyone to be convinced they're worth the time of day, that need to be exceptional.
__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."
"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"
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10-18-2007, 03:44 PM
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#5
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Addict
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Hiding!
Posts: 134
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thanks bothy of you. I think I will add something like what you added vangoghsear, eiji, I know it doesn't tell much about the story. The real plot will be shown in chapter II in a flash back as in many epic stories.
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