I hurt - Writers Forum

Aurasheild · 10-17-2007, 04:42 PM

I hurt

Coughing, sulking, dying in my room
Cold and hurt, thinking about my eternal doom
Hoping the sun will rize and shine
But all I seem to do is whine
I hurt why can't you see.

I struggle at school, home and life.
It doesn't help that I reach for the knife.
I can't help my pain, I can't help my fear.
You don't care, look at you drinking that beer.
I hurt why can't you see.

You kill me with your words, your stares, your attacks.
You seem to follow my move, my life like a bunch of animal tracks
I want you to like me, don't ask me why.
But you don't care, you hate me for I cry.
I hurt why can't you see.

I ly in bed, not my own but a medical bed.
Weighed down all because my blood is infected with lead.
But still you don't care, you laugh and joke about my life something that you cut through like a knife
I'm dead, but you still can't see.

Sorry to those that have commented on my previous poem, I didn't get around to commenting yours, anyone who comments, could you please leave a link or your poems name in your comment please.

female_writer · 10-17-2007, 08:16 PM

Is this about some sort of father figure?

Wow...chilling.

A lot of unnecessary words thrown in though.

If you tightened it up a bit it would be even better.

You know what- it made me think and it made me feel
which is an element missing in so many of the poems that
are praised on here for their perfect structure and content.

Ilasir Maroa · 10-17-2007, 10:40 PM

I was thinking more emo than chilling, but I always yell at people for that kind of assertion, so I feel bad. I thin this had a good subject, but inadvertantly reinforcing FW's comment, I think it could use some work on the structure.(I won't debate the value of structure versus message here, cause that would be rude, but I think FW shouldn't be so jumpy in her conclusions.)

jamester · 10-19-2007, 01:36 AM

I kind of think it's a combination of emo and chilling. Some of the imagery was vivid, but I think it needs more information/commentary and less repetition to up chill factor.

I really liked

Quote:

You seem to follow my move, my life like a bunch of animal tracks

and

Quote:

Weighed down all because my blood is infected with lead.

Intriguing lines. Good start.