Silhouette of Sadness - Writers Forum

jnbammer · 10-17-2007, 02:43 PM

Just started working on this one - feedback welcomed.

Silhouette of Sadness

A silhouette of sadness

standing solemn in the night.

Memory of innocence

lost in Salem's plot.

Journey through the hollow

searching for the dead.

Finding only shadows

from the moonlight overhead.

The silhouette of sadness

points to open tomb.

Inside there are no shadows,

yet light is in my view.

Door pushed shut behind me.

Hope's light begins to fade.

Beast from darkness emerges

to feast on lamb again.

Baron · 10-17-2007, 06:01 PM

This grips until the last couple of lines. The end is an anti-climax and needs to be made a little stroger.

jamester · 10-19-2007, 01:52 AM

I really like the way you structured this poem. I, too, feel like it trails off, but it held me while it lasted. The overall flow of the poem reminded me of the play of shadows: complex, languid, and experimental. Did that comparison work...? Haha.
I especially liked these two verses.

Quote:

The silhouette of sadness

points to open tomb.

Quote:

Beast from darkness emerges

to feast on lamb again.

dannyboy · 10-19-2007, 04:36 AM

I think if I read one more time Hope's light begins to fade I shall scream!

jnbammer · 10-22-2007, 03:12 PM

Thanks for the feedback. I appreciate them all, except dannyboy may have crushed my "hopes" for this poem. JK - good feedback.

Pale Gallery · 10-22-2007, 03:26 PM

Like your avatar, the poem is ok.

'Standing solemn in the night' through me off a bit.
I think it may be a bit of a cliche line.

Very halloweenish poem though.