Eiji Tunsinagi

flurries fall upward

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"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."

"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"

Baron

No change to this one. Except tire should be tyre!

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vangoghsear

Poetic confirmation of what I hate about winter. (driving in snow)

Good one ET.

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If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.

Eiji Tunsinagi

Thanks guys. And Baron, I like most all English spellings, but I just can't get past tyre. It just looks weird to us Americans.

So nothing wrong with this one? I've been dealing with it for weeks, trying to make it meet my expectations...

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"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."

"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"

Baron

good poem. I can't read tires without thinking of faling asleep.

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L00kbackinanger

There are a few problems with this poem, which does have some good aspects to it. The snow is well described, there is a sense of the cold and some nice attention to detail. Clearly there has been much thought put into this poem and in the main intelligently realised. I would imagine the next draft will be even better.

Is it the snow chains that have rattled the Jeep Wrangler upside down? It completely distracted me trying to work out what you meant.

Then I see you sitting on the ceiling, but it takes a while to realise you're in the Jeep. I don't think you need in my hands, what else would you use? Your ears? It's too telling.

Bleeding-chapped seems out of place, what exactly is bleeding-chapped? The seat belt? Or is Bleeding-chapped an expletive?

The third stanza reads a little clunky at line three.

The last stanza is poor. Watching a deer sink in too. Sink in what? Are you sinking? Are you dead? Is it supposed to end with no full stop.

Overall I couldn't see what you are saying really. Other than telling us how you got stuck in a Jeep upside down. Is that a metaphor? The deer adds needed interest but it's right at the end. It's an interesting idea but let down by execution.

That having been said I'm sure the edit will make this even better.

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"Automagically the game restarted; by chance a leaf fell at our feet. Brittle and veined with shades of umber. Delicately it crunched, like a shuffled deck."
Jacob Stillmarner, The Melody Of The Lucky Not Good, 1944

Eiji Tunsinagi

Thanks Lookingback. I respect your opinion and will modify accordingly, but would like other's opinions as well. I go on unanimous-ness (not a real word) but you know what I mean.

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"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."

"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"

Baron

I think too may poets, when looking at another work, try to judge through their own voice. Other poets are good for technical help but often the best responses come from people who just enjoy reading poetry. At the end of the day they're the ones who buy. I admire the fact that you don't try to offload when you give a critique but judge according to what you know of the style of the writer. Ilasir and Az take that route as well and it's healthy.

This poem could be improved as all of our work can be improved and I guess the artist just needs to know at what point to put aside the brushes (misquoting Picasso). This poem has your voice stamped on it. It is a good poem. You've done better and this one could get better but it is still a good poem as it is.

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Eiji Tunsinagi

Picasso's always right, misquoted or no. It makes sense, a piece can always be made better according to one's personal taste, and I feel I've reach a level where I can spot when something in my poem is illogical or images make no sense - and I think overall this one works in that light.

So I'm not saying anyone's advice is wrong I'm just saying is it appropriate for the piece? (I don't know if that makes sense...)

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"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."

"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"

Ilasir Maroa

I like the new parts... very you Eiji. In keeping with the sentiment baron has expressed, I can say this is good, obviously a poem in your voice, and I like the rhythm, but I can't really suggest any changes without causing a change in voice.

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Mermaid on the breakwater

I agree with the issues that lookbackinanger raised but I also agree that it's your voice. However, there are a couple of things that you could make clearer, like where you say about the swiss army knife in his hands you could then have semi colon "bleeding-chapped." With the full stop at the end, then "The seatbelt before me"

I don't think it would disrupt the flow either; when I am reading it I want to take a breath at that point anyway.

I've noticed the changes you've made and i think they take away a bit from the original, think about my suggestions for the original wording though, because I am convinced you don't have to add or lose words, just tweak the grammar slightly.

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Eiji Tunsinagi

Thanks for the suggestions. I only changed this just a little. I really don't want to add any unnecessary words, and I feel it can all be quite understood for what it is in it's current state.

Not that it is what it is and doesn't deserve any changes, it's just that now I'm thinking anymore changes would be to tailor to personal preferences (because one or two people don't follow).

I think the term I'm looking for is "open to interpretation". Does that count?

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"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."

"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"

SteMcGrath

After reading it a couple of times, I thoroughly enjoyed it. Nice one Eiji. And that niggle with tire, I didn't realise you spelt it tyre- that's terrible!

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"He was over at our house struggling with a poem he could not finish, so I took him upstairs and gave him sex. He came down and finished that verse in twenty-five minutes."

Eiji Tunsinagi

lol If I put tyre everyone would just be telling me to spell it the other way. Thanks for liking it...after a couple of times.

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"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."

"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"

Baron

I'm not tire-ing of reading this

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