Ego Journey - Page 2 - Writers Forum

Baron · 10-17-2007, 06:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ilasir Maroa

I felt the rhythm was strained in a few places, but the irony was a nice touch.

thanks for the comment. I'll take anopther look at the rhythm in this poem

SteMcGrath · 10-18-2007, 08:22 AM

This poem seems to be a little humerous piece to me. The ending's good.

Baron · 10-18-2007, 10:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SteMcGrath

This poem seems to be a little humerous piece to me. The ending's good.

Some of the best humour is ironic.

Thanks for the comment.

jamester · 10-19-2007, 01:45 AM

I love this poem, it's completely accessible and very graceful. I mean that in the sense that you have a good control of language. However, you lost me on the last line, would that imply that man leaves a comparable scratch on earth? I guess I feel that it was an abrupt mood change. Very good, anyhow.

Baron · 10-19-2007, 09:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jamester

I love this poem, it's completely accessible and very graceful. I mean that in the sense that you have a good control of language. However, you lost me on the last line, would that imply that man leaves a comparable scratch on earth? I guess I feel that it was an abrupt mood change. Very good, anyhow.

Thanks for the comment. The last line is simply an ironic statemeent about the falseness of the values people live by.

J.R. MacLean · 10-19-2007, 10:16 AM

Ego Journey

Out of the window a looking glass world
beckons to show all you want there reflected,
go through the doorway see riches unfurled
by your own thoughts and wishes selected.

Take care with those strangers met on the way,
choose friends from the words you most want to hear;
surely good company can pay its way,
to tread with the needy you don’t have to fear

Stroll through your creation, hold to a plan,
claim your own destiny, don’t ever falter;
hold your head high and walk like a man
leave your mark, like a lamb to the slaughter.
__________________

The cliche thing didn't bother me, as what's being said held my interest, and it is tinged with irony.

suggestions:

'choose friends by the words you most want to hear' (your way sound a bit like the words are being chosen as friends)

'surely good company can pay its own way' (sounds better, and is more familiar as a truism you'd like to mock)

'leave your mark, like a lamb that's been slaughtered' (brings the image and the irony home more vividly-the rhyme remains imperfect, but will do.)

female_writer · 10-19-2007, 10:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Baron

Ego Journey

Out of the window a looking glass world
beckons to show all you want there reflected,
go through the doorway see riches unfurled
by your own thoughts and wishes selected.

Take care with those strangers met on the way,
choose friends from the words you most want to hear;
surely good company can pay its way,
to tread with the needy you don’t have to fear

Stroll through your creation, hold to a plan,
claim your own destiny, don’t ever falter;
hold your head high and walk like a man
leave your mark, like a lamb to the slaughter.

Good- Its tight and the rythym bounces along very well.

Bad- The content is a bit preachy, I think a few dramatic words removed
and more subtle ones put in may help.

Overall, very enjoyable.

Baron · 10-19-2007, 11:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by J.R. MacLean

Ego Journey

Out of the window a looking glass world
beckons to show all you want there reflected,
go through the doorway see riches unfurled
by your own thoughts and wishes selected.

Take care with those strangers met on the way,
choose friends from the words you most want to hear;
surely good company can pay its way,
to tread with the needy you don’t have to fear

Stroll through your creation, hold to a plan,
claim your own destiny, don’t ever falter;
hold your head high and walk like a man
leave your mark, like a lamb to the slaughter.
__________________

The cliche thing didn't bother me, as what's being said held my interest, and it is tinged with irony.

suggestions:

'choose friends by the words you most want to hear' (your way sound a bit like the words are being chosen as friends)

'surely good company can pay its own way' (sounds better, and is more familiar as a truism you'd like to mock)

'leave your mark, like a lamb that's been slaughtered' (brings the image and the irony home more vividly-the rhyme remains imperfect, but will do.)

The cliche's are quite intentional, it wouldn't work without them. Thanks for the input and I have applied your suggestions.

Baron · 10-19-2007, 11:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by female_writer

Good- Its tight and the rythym bounces along very well.

Bad- The content is a bit preachy, I think a few dramatic words removed
and more subtle ones put in may help.

Overall, very enjoyable.

Thanks for the comments. I know what you're saying about the preachiness but the cliche element is needed, I think, for the irony to work

female_writer · 10-19-2007, 11:29 AM

Oopsy-Daisy!

I just had to edited because I laid your ass out for
not replying to me...because Im an emotional woman. meh

Baron · 10-19-2007, 02:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by female_writer

Oopsy-Daisy!

I just had to edited because I laid your ass out for
not replying to me...because Im an emotional woman. meh

I would never deliberately ignore a lady.