Languid - Writers Forum

Baron · 10-16-2007, 03:52 PM

removed for publishing reasons

Pete_C · 10-16-2007, 04:04 PM

I spot that you've moved from your rumbustuous middle-english counry fair odes to a more abstract form, but I fear that you've left a little bit of youer soul behind. Again there are some fantastic phrases, and some nice images (well, nearly), but its cold. I do wonder whether you've strayed towards a form that doesn't allow you to really expand. It's obvious thatthis style suits you less than your more traditional approach.

Don't want to be a downer, but it lacks a warmth I expect from your work.

Baron · 10-16-2007, 04:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pete_C

I spot that you've moved from your rumbustuous middle-english counry fair odes to a more abstract form, but I fear that you've left a little bit of youer soul behind. Again there are some fantastic phrases, and some nice images (well, nearly), but its cold. I do wonder whether you've strayed towards a form that doesn't allow you to really expand. It's obvious thatthis style suits you less than your more traditional approach.

Don't want to be a downer, but it lacks a warmth I expect from your work.

Thanks for the comments Pete. I'm now going to haunt your threads (joke). I'm playing with sounds at the moment. I have started picking at this, adding bits here and there and making a few other changes

Eiji Tunsinagi · 10-16-2007, 04:24 PM

I agree with Pete. You have expert language but have lost some personality through the translation.

Baron · 10-16-2007, 04:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Eiji Tunsinagi

I agree with Pete. You have expert language but have lost some personality through the translation.

Thanks for the comment. I've already started picking at this one.

Eiji Tunsinagi · 10-16-2007, 05:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Baron

Languid

languid and listless
waking from a nightmare
aftertaste of lurid demons
lingering into lucid vision
of a new day ('Lingering into lucid vision' is such a mouthful that 'of a new day' actually doesn't feel like enough coming after it. The transition is not smooth)
gratitude in the aftermath

reality gives birth to relief
soundless movement becomes speech
fears confronted left behind
looking forward where light is (for whatever reason, this sounds tacky)

and darkness only memory
fading in the dawn offering
of hope realized
release from panic's helpless longing
to gentle song unfolding(That's allot of -ing's. You might be able to do without a few; the very 1st time I read this I actually stumbled because of them)

losses no more remembered
injuries once pardoned not counted
breath resumes a rhythm
one truth alone resides
ending apathetic thought's
that greet the day
as I look to see
the story sleeping in your eyes (This a great ending line)

I like this. The last stanza is the best (stylistically). This has potential, though aside from what I've pointed out, I don't know what else to change...

Baron · 10-16-2007, 05:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Eiji Tunsinagi

I like this. The last stanza is the best (stylistically). This has potential, though aside from what I've pointed out, I don't know what else to change...

Thanks for the input. I've made a few more changes.

Ilasir Maroa · 10-16-2007, 08:18 PM

yes, the spirit of your older poems seems to be missing from this. I liked the imagery, but not the slow rhythm here.

Baron · 10-16-2007, 08:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ilasir Maroa

yes, the spirit of your older poems seems to be missing from this. I liked the imagery, but not the slow rhythm here.

Thanks for the comment. If this is about waking from a bad dream then perhaps the rhythm reflects the way that I prefer to wake up, slowly.

Eiji Tunsinagi · 10-16-2007, 08:44 PM

This is getting there.

Baron · 10-16-2007, 10:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Eiji Tunsinagi

This is getting there.

Thanks for that. More changes have been made. WIP continues.

jnbammer · 10-16-2007, 11:35 PM

I really like the last two lines - awesome job!

Baron · 10-17-2007, 02:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jnbammer

I really like the last two lines - awesome job!

Thanks for the comment

Eiji Tunsinagi · 10-17-2007, 03:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Baron

ending apathetic thought's
that greet the day
as I look to see
the story sleeping in your eyes

I really like this ending. It's like escaping into a calm...

Xtlk 1 · 10-17-2007, 04:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Baron

Languid

languid and listless
waking from a nightmare
aftertaste of lurid demons
lingers briefly
fading in lucid vision
of a new day
gratitude in the aftermath

reality gives birth to relief
soundless utterance turns to speech
fears confronted left behind
looking forward weightless
dark shadow in my mind
fading in the dawn offering
of hope realized
release from panic's helpless longing
a gentle song unfolds

losses no more remembered
injuries pardoned not counted
in love's embrace
breath resumes its rhythm
one truth alone resides
ending apathetic thought's
that greet the day
as I look to see
the story sleeping in your eyes

It's poetic, but it's not intriguing. It didn't capture me.

As said, your diction is wonderful...but halfway through I started thinking of bf 2142......

P.S. remove that little s, just bothered me. lol.