Languid - Page 2 - Writers Forum

L00kbackinanger · 10-17-2007, 06:10 PM

I couldn't fault the poem for form; and the words do flow in a languid kind of way, the spelling is spot on, the grammar and punctuation are fine. Overall then it is a well constructed poem that is not a difficult read. I do however have some reservations concerning the content. And just ignore it if you disagree it's just a taste issue I guess.

It's all a bit dreamy and girly for me: she's standing there twirling hair around her fingers and pondering on nothing much.

It reads, for me at least, like a list of statements that don't actually state anything. "Dawn offering" seemed a little out of place, the religious reference to "a hope realized" and "panic's helpless longing" is overwrought and wordy. "Apathetic thoughts jarred", isn't that another wordier way of saying apathy?

There's loads of "inging"; and on second reading, "aftermath" of what exactly?

It's all a bit vague and la-di-da for me. It just doesn't show me anything interesting, or say anything much that hasn't been said a million times in a million greetings cards. I couldn't say it's cliched but the wordiness is reminiscent of olde english written in the style of the nineteen fifties.

That said the phonics, alliteration half rhyme and other poetic devices, with the omission of metaphor which I don't think I can see, are well used. Clearly a good deal of diligence and intelligence has gone into writing this poem and I'm sure, for the intended audience, it will provoke a suitable response.

I don't think there were enough similes either.

Baron · 10-17-2007, 06:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Xtlk 1

It's poetic, but it's not intriguing. It didn't capture me.

As said, your diction is wonderful...but halfway through I started thinking of bf 2142......

P.S. remove that little s, just bothered me. lol.

Thanks for the comment.

Baron · 10-17-2007, 06:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by L00kbackinanger

I couldn't fault the poem for form; and the words do flow in a languid kind of way, the spelling is spot on, the grammar and punctuation are fine. Overall then it is a well constructed poem that is not a difficult read. I do however have some reservations concerning the content. And just ignore it if you disagree it's just a taste issue I guess.

It's all a bit dreamy and girly for me: she's standing there twirling hair around her fingers and pondering on nothing much.

It reads, for me at least, like a list of statements that don't actually state anything. "Dawn offering" seemed a little out of place, the religious reference to "a hope realized" and "panic's helpless longing" is overwrought and wordy. "Apathetic thoughts jarred", isn't that another wordier way of saying apathy?

There's loads of "inging"; and on second reading, "aftermath" of what exactly?

It's all a bit vague and la-di-da for me. It just doesn't show me anything interesting, or say anything much that hasn't been said a million times in a million greetings cards. I couldn't say it's cliched but the wordiness is reminiscent of olde english written in the style of the nineteen fifties.

That said the phonics, alliteration half rhyme and other poetic devices, with the omission of metaphor which I don't think I can see, are well used. Clearly a good deal of diligence and intelligence has gone into writing this poem and I'm sure, for the intended audience, it will provoke a suitable response.

I don't think there were enough similes either.

Thanks for taking the time.

Ilasir Maroa · 10-17-2007, 07:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ilasir Maroa

yes, the spirit of your older poems seems to be missing from this. I liked the imagery, but not the slow rhythm here.

Now I'm not sure where the second part of this statement came from... Nice piece here baron.

Baron · 10-17-2007, 09:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ilasir Maroa

Now I'm not sure where the second part of this statement came from... Nice piece here baron.

Thanks again Ilasir