Welcome to Writing Forums, one of the fastest growing writing communties on the web.
You are currently viewing our boards as a guest which gives you limited access to view most discussions, articles and photo galleries. By joining our free community you will
be able to talk with other writers, get feedback on your work to improve your writing skills, discuss ideas, share tips & tricks, network and make friends!
Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free so please, join our community today!
If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact support.
| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
10-16-2007, 03:35 PM
|
#1
|
|
Profound Writer
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: London
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,299
|
Dull Grey Shine
- The message you have entered is too short. Please lengthen your message to at least 1 characters.
Last edited by Pete_C : 01-26-2008 at 07:32 AM.
|
|
|
|
10-16-2007, 03:42 PM
|
#2
|
|
Writing Machine
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,994
|
Nice. Simply put and well done.
__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."
"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"
|
|
|
|
|
10-16-2007, 03:48 PM
|
#3
|
|
Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,903
|
Very poignant (sic) Could the sharpness of the mugger's knife simply not compete with that of your wit?
Last edited by Baron : 10-17-2007 at 07:53 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
10-16-2007, 04:09 PM
|
#4
|
|
Profound Writer
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: USA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,240
|
I like a well turned Parenthetical statement. Good poem.
__________________
If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.  
|
|
|
|
|
10-17-2007, 04:24 PM
|
#5
|
|
Prolific Writer
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: portland
Gender: Female
Posts: 375
|
this poem is good on many different levels.
ahhhh how nicely you interject the concrete into this with the photograph! how smooth! much different twist than i expected this to have.
first stanza line five cut 'that' , imo.
i think the ending is strangely hot.
well i mean, you punched him in the jaw.
that's kind of secksy.
anyway, excellent read.
jen
|
|
|
|
|
10-17-2007, 06:32 PM
|
#6
|
|
Best Seller
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Borders Northern Feelings and Intuitive Stuff.
Gender: Male
Posts: 555
|
It's a little awkward to read in places. The first stanza especially I found cumbersome. The actual scene itself is quite vivid and well described. There is a good sense of place and a narrative. I just think you need to tighten up the language, make sure you don't repeat words to close to each other, read it out loud to spot any stumbling points and then smooth them out.
__________________
"Automagically the game restarted; by chance a leaf fell at our feet. Brittle and veined with shades of umber. Delicately it crunched, like a shuffled deck."
Jacob Stillmarner, The Melody Of The Lucky Not Good, 1944
|
|
|
|
|
10-17-2007, 07:04 PM
|
#7
|
|
Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: AmbientArtists
Gender: Private
Posts: 3,675
|
I'm not in love with the rhythm, but the image is quite poignant.
__________________
My hopeful book:
Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!
"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."
www.theoddvillepress.com
|
|
|
|
|
10-17-2007, 07:41 PM
|
#8
|
|
Scribe
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Washington DC area
Gender: Male
Posts: 65
|
Smart and clear - I like it.
|
|
|
|
|
10-18-2007, 08:35 AM
|
#9
|
|
Best Seller
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Birmingham, England
Gender: Male
Posts: 502
|
I like this. I struggled slightly with rhythym but I don't feel it affected this piece.
__________________
"He was over at our house struggling with a poem he could not finish, so I took him upstairs and gave him sex. He came down and finished that verse in twenty-five minutes."
|
|
|
|
|
10-23-2007, 02:56 AM
|
#10
|
|
Profound Writer
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: London
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,299
|
Thanks for the comments; tried to rework it a little to tighten it up, but I'm still not 100 per cent on the first stanza (all the elements need to be in there).
|
|
|
|
|
10-23-2007, 03:00 AM
|
#11
|
|
Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,903
|
This reads generally more like prose and you might overcome some of the awkwardness if you formatted it more that way.
|
|
|
|
|
10-23-2007, 06:03 AM
|
#12
|
|
Adept Writer
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Goomalling, Western Australia
Gender: Male
Posts: 923
|
Returns nicely to the subject,
good images, good feel ...
Well done, Pete_C ...
I would have preferred:
... cut my face in two
(into what? I nearly asked) ...
__________________
"I don't know ... I'm making it up as I go ..." - Dr I Jones
Nature abhors perfection - cats abhor a vacuum!
|
|
|
|
|
Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
|
|
|
Posting Rules
|
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
HTML code is Off
|
|
|
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 07:07 PM. Powered by vBulletin, Copyright ©2000-2007, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
LinkBacks Enabled by vBSEO 3.1.0
|
|
Newsletter |
 |
|
Subscribe to Majestic
the official newsletter of Writing Forums and lit.org
|
|
Link to Us: 
|
|
