TrackStar11

All right, Please rate my poem and give any comments or suggestions on how I can improve it.

The leaves fall
Onto the ground
Green grass is small
As it turns brown

All is colder
Days become dark
We get older
Trees lose their bark

No more sunny days
As the wind whips the air
Birds fly away
As the weather is not fair

A new summer day will come
So let us rejoice
As the autumn scum
Slients nature's beautiful voice.

Eiji Tunsinagi

Hey. I love Autumn poems. Fall is the probably my favorite time of year. It's a very writer-ly season...now, I can spot seasonal cliches quite easily - and though I like your poem because it is about Fall, I think it is a very cliche look at a very unique and powerful season.

I do find it interesting though that your poem sees Fall for what it really is, nature going through its process of dying. You allude to it frequently in the poem, and I like that, though I find you using the word scum in S4 not too fitting - to make a point or not...scum is what I think that stuff that sits in grimy back alleys is.

Anyway, I think if you rewrite this, and keep in mind that idea of Fall being the dying season and try to point out the aspects of it less focused on, then you will have a more surprising poem.

__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."

"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"

cinder and smoke

I second the removal of "scum." The process of nature dying is a pretty cool topic and I don't read much poetry about it. There is a lot of poetry romantisizing fall and while I really enjoy that kind of writing (I love fall as well Eiji. I actually hate the hot months!) it does get a bit cumbersome.

Again, I like the concept of this poem and I really think you should take another stab at it and see what you get.

__________________
"The vivid tulips eat my oxygen."
-Plath

Eiji Tunsinagi

I want to live somewhere with only Fall and Winter seasons. I think I have to move up into the Northern Territories...

__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."

"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"

cinder and smoke

^ Up in New York it's beautiful in the winter and fall but the warm months are beginning to become rather brutal. You could blame that on global warming or natural climate shifts based on your personal beliefs. But regardless..I HATE it!

I should move to Siberia or something

__________________
"The vivid tulips eat my oxygen."
-Plath

Eiji Tunsinagi

Yeah, I'd really like to move to Maine if I had to live in this "America" place. Northern main is supposed to get pretty cold - and they hall all 4 seasons - Summer, Fall, Winter, and Mud.

Do you by any chance listen to Iron and Wine?

__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."

"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"

cinder and smoke

Maine is supposed to be lovely.

And yes, I do Hence the name. My absolutely favorite Iron and Wine song!!

__________________
"The vivid tulips eat my oxygen."
-Plath

Eiji Tunsinagi

I'm trying to get into school in Maine and I'll be going even if I have to walk there and then punch someone once I get there.

Anyway, I just started listening to Iron and Wine recently when I heard about there new CD -- then I saw your name and I was like hey! It's that song! Great band, great band...

__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."

"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"

Baron

You guys could always join Hodge in Alaska.

__________________

Eiji Tunsinagi

Me and Hodge would fight too much. It would be like a crappy sitcom.

__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."

"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"

vangoghsear

TrackStar11 is going to check in and find 20 posts with only three pretaining to his poem.

TrackStar11, I like nature poems and fall weather poetry as well. Your poem is mainly lacking in unique images and ways of saying things. There is some, such as:
This is somewhat unique. I hadn't really thought of it that way. This gives us a little picture.

However, most of the rest of the poem is telling us things instead of letting us discover them. Such as:
Joking a little above, but most of those are just stated, not said in some way that is all yours.

__________________
If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.

TrackStar11

Here is my revision. Tell me what you think of it.

The leaves fall
Onto the ground
Green grass is small
As it turns brown

Death and Winter come together
Like two killers in the night
To kill the summer weather
In order to turn the world white

Gone are the days of the sun
As the wind whips the air
Devastating the midsummer fun
Bringing on despair

A new summer day will come
So let us rejoice
As autumn's thumb
Slients nature's beautiful voice.

vangoghsear

The revision is better. You have come up with some new ways of saying autumn. Check the spelling of the last line, I think you mean silent or silences.

__________________
If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.

Ilasir Maroa

Definitely in favor of the revision here. Some nice images, if a little lacking in rhythm near the end.

__________________
My hopeful book:
Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!
"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."
www.theoddvillepress.com

TrackStar11

You have come up with some new ways of saying autumn.

I say autumn once throughout the entire poem. I meant sliences, also should I just change the ending or keep the poem the way it is.