Amber Leaf

This isn’t a blessing in disguise; it’s a curse.
A once happily held talent makes a bad situation worse.
It hurts to be honest; not knowing until it all comes out.
Need some pain to fuel it; isn’t that what it’s all about?

Not knowing like others which road to follow.
They must think that all I want to do is to wallow.
Well now a new road’s made for me to tread.
And its being trodden before I make myself dead.

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'Jonny's laying in his sperm coffin and the angel looks down at him and says:
"Oh, pretty boy, can't you show me nothing but surrender?' - Patti Smith

Anarchy for me - Anything for whatever anyone else wishes.

Acid culture, techno culture, underground culture, rebel culture!

Eiji Tunsinagi

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"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."

"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"

Baron

blessing in disguise a curse
happily held talent bad to worse
hurts to be honest
not knowing
until it all comes out
need pain to fuel it
that's what it’s about
not knowing
which road to follow
must think that
all I want is to wallow
now a new road for me to tread
being trodden before I join the dead

I've played around with the format and got rid of some of the wrods to give you a different perspective on how to achieve your aim. I'm not saying that my version is any better than yours, just that there are different devices that can be used to get rid of the idea that this is just a personal piece.

I truly hope that you're not feeling the disillusionment you express. Keep writing.

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Eiji Tunsinagi

Baron's version resonates with me more - the breaks seem to evoke the feeling rather than just state it. You do have something here - you just need to know how to break it down. That always happens when I write late at night and I'm really tired...

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"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."

"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"

Mermaid on the breakwater

Another wonderfully heartfelt poem. Just replace the make myself dead with before I am dead.

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Doors 2, an anthology: http://www.lulu.com/content/3522683

Mermaid on the breakwater

And whatever you do, don't change it to that. And "join the dead", did you take that from my poem that you slammed so much, baron?

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Doors 2, an anthology: http://www.lulu.com/content/3522683

Amber Leaf

baron - youve done well there except i agree with mermaid about the last line not changing.

cheers for the imput everyone.

__________________
'Jonny's laying in his sperm coffin and the angel looks down at him and says:
"Oh, pretty boy, can't you show me nothing but surrender?' - Patti Smith

Anarchy for me - Anything for whatever anyone else wishes.

Acid culture, techno culture, underground culture, rebel culture!

Baron

I think that the last line you've chosen is an improvement on my suggestion. I think that you could lose "being" in the last line as well to give better flow.

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